Okay, I really wanna be dead!!!

My new scales showed 56,1kg yesterday.
Then I've been walking for 30 minutes, drank 3 litres of tea and ate 700 kcal.

And what happened?

I weigh 56,4kg today on my new scales and 56,9kg on the old one.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? I lost 100g since monday!!!!! HELP ME!!!

Today I'll eat more to leverage my metabolism. Tomorrow I'll eat not more than 300 kcal and will take laxatives. Oh please help me... I wanna be dead... I really really wanna be dead.

Hej Huns!

It's wonderful to know that there are some of you still reading! :)))

Today I ate 600kcal and bought a new scales, because I don't trust the other one anymore!!! It shows 57kg every day! Since Monday! Monday: 57, Tuesday: 57, Wednesday: 57... Whatta? That's impossible!

Now I'll test the new one tomorrow! :)

Here I am

Dear Anas,

I've eaten 450kcal today (yesterday 600 but my weight was still on 57kg this morning).
I downloaded a couple of Apps for my iPhone which help losing weight. Do you know any Ana-App? What are your favorite Diet-Apps?!

Is there anybody reading my blog? :(

sikia njaa

Crying

Dear Anas,

it's me.
I've been on my scales this morning and it showed 57kg. I can't remember that I've ever been so fat...?! It's 10kg more than in March 2010 and I don't understand how that's possible!!!

I feel so blue and could cry. What shall I do?!
My aim is 47kg again until 5/9, what do you think, it's possible?! :(

I feel sick and dizzy...
I'm going to read that blog from the get-go and hope for triggering... :(

sikia njaa :(

HELP ME!

Hey there!
Today I ate nothing all day long, but then my special friend came and I drank 3 glasses of redwine and ate a handful of vegan gummy bears, 2 pieces of vegan chocolate and 3 slices of vegan cheese. Feeling fat and overeaten :(


But I've a good message! I stood with a fellow student in front of the university this morning and I bemoaned the coldness. I said "Well, I'm wearing two pullovers, two pairs of trousers, two pairs of sox and I'm freezing anyway!"
My fellow student answered: "If I was as thin as you, I would also freeze!!!"
WOOOOOOOOOW!!!! I was SOOOO happy!!!! Although I've had 53,4kg this morning and although she's thinner than me... Yeeeah :)

Kisses
sikia njaa

hungry and sad

Hey friends,

I'm sitting here in my living room and am hungry. I ate 3 pieces of chocolate today, cuz my friend extended it to me. I drank 3 cups of coffee with 0,1% fat milk. I think I've something like 150-200 calories today.

I wrote an email to my special friend. To the one I love. A very very strange and soulstripping email. I'm waiting for an answer since 5 hours. I'm sitting here and smoke cigarettes, listening to sad music and candles light my way.

I'm sad today... :(

PS! stood on my scales the first time in the morning. Was too curious. 53,6kg this morning. :(

Hej my dears,
today I've had 210 calories and I'm really filled up. Was hungry all day long and so I decided to make a soup (100kcal), added a little bit low fat cream cheese and milk and that's it.
Oh, and I drank a cup of coffee with low fat milk, but that's already included in the calculation.

My family and friends suspect nothing. They don't suspect, that I'm back in the fight against my body. That Alice is back in Hungerland.

I like it. It gives me a head start, which I should capitalize.

Hej Anas,

here I am.
It works!

* 2 cups of coffee with fatfree milk = 40kcal
* 1 Nescafé Express vanilla = 123 kcal
* 1 glass of juice = 86 kcal

249 kcal today.


It's really really great, no, it's perfect! :) I'm so happy and I'm hungry like a hunter. Some of my friends laughed at me, when I said I will weigh 42kg in February. Just them wait...

I'm so motivated, wanted to go for a run this morning, but my runners are 100km away from here. *argh* :(

But 249 calories are also great. Even without sports. ;)

Love you all!

!!! I - AM - FUCKING - BACK !!!

Hey guys, I know, I didn't write for a very very fucking very long time! But everything was so horrible.
My mum came to Germany and she stood believe it or not for SIX months!!!!!!!
I saw her everytime and she cooked and baked just things I really LOVE!

I'd become so unbelievable FAT during the summer. So fat that I'm afraid of using my scales! My clothes (XS) don't fit for a long time! I'm wearing my old clothes in size M. I've a pair of trousers in my wardrobe in size XS... :( I'm missing it!

I will strike back now. I'm back in the fight against myself!

I don't know, how much I weigh, that's the reason why I won't weigh myself until I haven't started my diet. I'm starting NOW.
I'll weigh myself in 2 weeks for the first time!

I wanna have 42kg on february 14th and I hope its realizable.

Kisses, your
sikjanjaa, glad to be back again!

PS! Dear anas, please stop taking laxatives. I did it EVERYTIME and now I've really big problems since 6 months, although I didn't take them from that time on! Every second day I'm afflicted with diarrhea and it's really sucking, you can take it from me...

PPS! I. am. hungry!!!! :)

bad news...

yesterday: 600 calories + alcohol
today:
1 salad with little bit low fat mozzarella
1 bread roll with honey
little bit pineapple juice

bad news:
My mum has extended her residence in Germany until AUGUST!!!!!!!!! HELP ME!!!!!
I REALLY try to get back to ana and the last days have been so great! But what the hell shall I do if she is in Germany all the time?
I told her that I can't come for a visit the next two weekends. I'll see her tomorrow on the birthday party of my grandma. Then I'll stay in my flat for 2 weeks and I will not visit her! With her fucking food and calories!


O huns! My friend has been here and stood overnight...
Now it's certainty: he ALSO fell in love with ME and that adds insult to injury! :(
He is 62 years old! I'm 25 (26 in 1,5 months)!
He has a girlfriend (more or less) since a very long time!
We are collegues!
O my gosh, I wanna be dead!

I love him but i've never been interested in being with him. And I still won't that!!! But what the hell DO I want? And I don't know what HE wants!

I just enjoy being close to him. I love listening to him. I love lying in my bed with him while feeling his skin. How he gently strokes me all the time.

He's the hardest mystery I've ever seen.
But I really want to unravel that mystery.

That is everything I know! :´(

yesterday: 650 calories

today: 3 salad leafs with yogurt dressing


Ana, I need you, I want you BACK!!!! Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love you so much :'( Where are u???????????

My mum will leave on June 13, I'm really looking forward to this date. NOT because I want to dispose of her but when she's here I CAN'T STARVE!!!! I miss her so much, that's the point why I'm always relapsing when she's leaving.

@F.: I love you. I love you more than my life. And the fact that we can NEVER be a normal couple, that it will NEVER be possible to love each other in the face of the world, that's the absolute worst thing, the absolute horror in my life... I love you... :´(

Yesterday in the morning, when I was sitting in my living room, drinking coffee for breakfast, I watched the photos I took some weeks ago and I got so sad because I ate so much, I gained so much (I haven't been on my scales since WEEKS, I think I've 50kg), so that I ate NOTHING yesterday!!! 2 cups of coffee with 0,1% fat milk, some sugarfree chewing gums and Coke Zero... Now my body feels sick and my soul healthy again. Sometimes I'm thinking my soul doesnt fit in my body. Those are 2 different things, not coupled. I feel queasy and have to go on field trips (university) today. But my heart is jumping all the time and singing "hey Ana, look at me, be proud of me, I'm back again"...

That suxx.

In June there will be some events, I really want to be thin at. I'll meet my ex class (from school), they havent seen me for years. I'll meet my ex bf 'by accident' on a medieval market in his town. And there will be the prom in the school I've been working in winter. And I have bought a cocktail dress in size XS (EU 34). 3 events!!! But my mum will be here until June 13 and the medieval market is one week later, the prom is on June 26. How can I reach 45kg when my MUM is here?

Sometimes I'm thinking "Give a shit on the others". Sometimes I'm writing in Facebook things like "I hate food"... But then I'm afraid again... Ahhhh, fuck!

That suxx.

I'm binging on weekends (cuz i'm at home and my mum is cooking delicious meals) and starving during the week. it's better than binging all the time. i've nothing to eat in my house. just 0,1% fat milk and coffee. not even flour or pasta. NOTHING. :) that's the trick. :)

Asha, your comment on my former post is so true. I lost so many friends cuz of the eating disorder and my response to that fact is continuing that crap until being a skeleton. That's not logical!!! We've so much in common, hun and if you really want to beat the ED, I'll support you as much as I can! Whenever you need someone to talk to: write! in Facebook or in my blog! I'm here for you. Always.

I ate 450 calories today and it feels like being a little bit back on track but there are always moments when I'm thinking like Asha. Thinking about the senselessness of being hungry all the day, never leaving the house because of being afraid of someone is watching you and thinking "oh fuck, what a FAT girl"... the senselessness of losing friends and your lust for life, JUST FOR BEING SKINNY!!!!

I don't know. I really need to talk to my good friend who's leaving me step by step. I need him so much but his life is going down like mine atm.

yes i did some kind of recovery the last time because my mum came here... but i'll stop it in process.
i'm losing my friends at the moment.
my best friend told me she can't handle with my ED so she doesnt want to stay in contact with me. another friend doesnt talk to me anymore for the same reason. and my good friend (that one i'm always telling about in my blog) is also leaving. but HE is going because of HIS problems. i've written a farewell email but not sent yet. i've not seen him for weeks. just last week he has been visiting me for ONE hour! then he left. great.

i'm really sad atm. now i'm going to weigh 45kg at the end of June. i'm not sure if i'll make that and i'm really afraid because always when i'm at home my mum is baking and cooking just favorite meals for me (she knows how to make me eat!!! fuck).

I'm back from recovery and will go on with you tomorrow... :)

Hej,
here i am.
I just needed a little bit calm. But now I'm back.

What can I tell u?
My new aim is 48kg until monday. And I think I'm weighing 50kg (or maybe 51???) atm so it isnt really easy to reach that aim.

My mum came on sunday and I tried to eat a lot the 2 weeks before she came because I was afraid of her reaction and that she'll call my ex psychologist etc.
So I gained 2-3kg and she came and said I'm looking great. Okay, that was what I went for the last weeks... But I'm a little bit disappointed anyway...

However, now I can start again (45kg until June 1st).

I've no touch to my good friend. It feels like his problem gets bigger and bigger and I don't know what I shall do because he doesnt wanna tell me what's going on so I'm not able to help him.

I wrote him that I'm so sad because we havent met since the beginning of march and that I miss him so much, etc. no chance. :(

KISSES

It's 6pm in Germany right now. 360 calories. I'll write it down now so I hope that will be a reason to fast the rest of the day. :)

Hey!!!

I'm back on track now.
Yesterday 550 calories and laxatives! :) Today I've had 175 until now but it's my second 500 calories-day! I'm on the ABC (Ana Boot Camp) Diet for the next 3 weeks, what means:

Day 1: 500 calories
Day 2: 500 calories
Day 3:300 calories
Day 4:400 calories
Day 5: 100 calories
Day 6: 200 calories
Day 7: 300 calories
Day 8: 400 calories
Day 9: 500 calories
Day 10: fast
Day 11: 150 calories
Day 12: 200 calories
Day 13: 400 calories
Day 14: 350 calories
Day 15: 250 calories
Day 16: 200 calories
Day 17: fast
Day 18: 200 calories
Day 19: 100 calories
Day 20: fast
Day 21: 300 calories

My aims:
Sunday 4/11 - 48 kg (106 lbs)
Sunday 4/18 - 47,5 kg (105 lbs)
Sunday 4/25 - 46,5 kg (102 lbs)
Sunday 5/2 - 45,5 kg (100 lbs)
Sunday 5/9 - 45 kg (99 lbs)

I'll use my scales on sunday and I'm very afraid cuz the last 2 weeks have been REALLY horrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't talk about it... :(

But now I'm back in the wonderful world of Ana I hope! Keep your fingers crossed for me that I'll stay strong!!! I need you and your support.

LOVE YOU!

PS: Especially for Asha cuz I know you read it: I'm so glad to know you, hun! Thanks for being there, thanks for being Asha and thanks for being a friend!

Hej huns,

how're u doin? have you seen the pictures of my dog in facebook? she's so cute! :)
ana isn't goin well atm. but better than last week. i'll come back. slowly but i'll come back.
i'm sorry that i'm not writing so much at the moment but its very exhausting with the dog (NOT because of the dog but because of the people comin for visit, bringin gifts, people callin on the phone askin "how's kisura??? how're u doin with her?" and so on!).
but i think in a few days nobody will ask for kisura anymore, haha... it's always the same, isn't it?

my friend (u know which one) is on holiday since today, what makes me a li'l bit sad. he'll come back in 10 days or so... :( no emails, no text messages, no hugs. :(

k/m..iss you

caty