Yesterday in the morning, when I was sitting in my living room, drinking coffee for breakfast, I watched the photos I took some weeks ago and I got so sad because I ate so much, I gained so much (I haven't been on my scales since WEEKS, I think I've 50kg), so that I ate NOTHING yesterday!!! 2 cups of coffee with 0,1% fat milk, some sugarfree chewing gums and Coke Zero... Now my body feels sick and my soul healthy again. Sometimes I'm thinking my soul doesnt fit in my body. Those are 2 different things, not coupled. I feel queasy and have to go on field trips (university) today. But my heart is jumping all the time and singing "hey Ana, look at me, be proud of me, I'm back again"...

That suxx.

In June there will be some events, I really want to be thin at. I'll meet my ex class (from school), they havent seen me for years. I'll meet my ex bf 'by accident' on a medieval market in his town. And there will be the prom in the school I've been working in winter. And I have bought a cocktail dress in size XS (EU 34). 3 events!!! But my mum will be here until June 13 and the medieval market is one week later, the prom is on June 26. How can I reach 45kg when my MUM is here?

Sometimes I'm thinking "Give a shit on the others". Sometimes I'm writing in Facebook things like "I hate food"... But then I'm afraid again... Ahhhh, fuck!

That suxx.

I'm binging on weekends (cuz i'm at home and my mum is cooking delicious meals) and starving during the week. it's better than binging all the time. i've nothing to eat in my house. just 0,1% fat milk and coffee. not even flour or pasta. NOTHING. :) that's the trick. :)

Asha, your comment on my former post is so true. I lost so many friends cuz of the eating disorder and my response to that fact is continuing that crap until being a skeleton. That's not logical!!! We've so much in common, hun and if you really want to beat the ED, I'll support you as much as I can! Whenever you need someone to talk to: write! in Facebook or in my blog! I'm here for you. Always.

I ate 450 calories today and it feels like being a little bit back on track but there are always moments when I'm thinking like Asha. Thinking about the senselessness of being hungry all the day, never leaving the house because of being afraid of someone is watching you and thinking "oh fuck, what a FAT girl"... the senselessness of losing friends and your lust for life, JUST FOR BEING SKINNY!!!!

I don't know. I really need to talk to my good friend who's leaving me step by step. I need him so much but his life is going down like mine atm.

yes i did some kind of recovery the last time because my mum came here... but i'll stop it in process.
i'm losing my friends at the moment.
my best friend told me she can't handle with my ED so she doesnt want to stay in contact with me. another friend doesnt talk to me anymore for the same reason. and my good friend (that one i'm always telling about in my blog) is also leaving. but HE is going because of HIS problems. i've written a farewell email but not sent yet. i've not seen him for weeks. just last week he has been visiting me for ONE hour! then he left. great.

i'm really sad atm. now i'm going to weigh 45kg at the end of June. i'm not sure if i'll make that and i'm really afraid because always when i'm at home my mum is baking and cooking just favorite meals for me (she knows how to make me eat!!! fuck).

I'm back from recovery and will go on with you tomorrow... :)

Hej,
here i am.
I just needed a little bit calm. But now I'm back.

What can I tell u?
My new aim is 48kg until monday. And I think I'm weighing 50kg (or maybe 51???) atm so it isnt really easy to reach that aim.

My mum came on sunday and I tried to eat a lot the 2 weeks before she came because I was afraid of her reaction and that she'll call my ex psychologist etc.
So I gained 2-3kg and she came and said I'm looking great. Okay, that was what I went for the last weeks... But I'm a little bit disappointed anyway...

However, now I can start again (45kg until June 1st).

I've no touch to my good friend. It feels like his problem gets bigger and bigger and I don't know what I shall do because he doesnt wanna tell me what's going on so I'm not able to help him.

I wrote him that I'm so sad because we havent met since the beginning of march and that I miss him so much, etc. no chance. :(

KISSES

It's 6pm in Germany right now. 360 calories. I'll write it down now so I hope that will be a reason to fast the rest of the day. :)

Hey!!!

I'm back on track now.
Yesterday 550 calories and laxatives! :) Today I've had 175 until now but it's my second 500 calories-day! I'm on the ABC (Ana Boot Camp) Diet for the next 3 weeks, what means:

Day 1: 500 calories
Day 2: 500 calories
Day 3:300 calories
Day 4:400 calories
Day 5: 100 calories
Day 6: 200 calories
Day 7: 300 calories
Day 8: 400 calories
Day 9: 500 calories
Day 10: fast
Day 11: 150 calories
Day 12: 200 calories
Day 13: 400 calories
Day 14: 350 calories
Day 15: 250 calories
Day 16: 200 calories
Day 17: fast
Day 18: 200 calories
Day 19: 100 calories
Day 20: fast
Day 21: 300 calories

My aims:
Sunday 4/11 - 48 kg (106 lbs)
Sunday 4/18 - 47,5 kg (105 lbs)
Sunday 4/25 - 46,5 kg (102 lbs)
Sunday 5/2 - 45,5 kg (100 lbs)
Sunday 5/9 - 45 kg (99 lbs)

I'll use my scales on sunday and I'm very afraid cuz the last 2 weeks have been REALLY horrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't talk about it... :(

But now I'm back in the wonderful world of Ana I hope! Keep your fingers crossed for me that I'll stay strong!!! I need you and your support.

LOVE YOU!

PS: Especially for Asha cuz I know you read it: I'm so glad to know you, hun! Thanks for being there, thanks for being Asha and thanks for being a friend!

Hej huns,

how're u doin? have you seen the pictures of my dog in facebook? she's so cute! :)
ana isn't goin well atm. but better than last week. i'll come back. slowly but i'll come back.
i'm sorry that i'm not writing so much at the moment but its very exhausting with the dog (NOT because of the dog but because of the people comin for visit, bringin gifts, people callin on the phone askin "how's kisura??? how're u doin with her?" and so on!).
but i think in a few days nobody will ask for kisura anymore, haha... it's always the same, isn't it?

my friend (u know which one) is on holiday since today, what makes me a li'l bit sad. he'll come back in 10 days or so... :( no emails, no text messages, no hugs. :(

k/m..iss you

caty

I tell you something REALLY strange.
I ate like a pig for 1 week. I ate chocolate, pancakes, ice cream, french fries, cheese, cookies, drank cocktails with cream, etc.
3 days I've had more than 2000 kcal... the rest of the days 900-1500... I stopped on wednesday. That was my last binge day.
Yesterday I've had 420 kcal and took laxatives.
Today I went on my scales.... 47,2kg... I didn't gain anything!!!!
WHAT THE HELL????????????
I'm soooooooooooo happy guys! And I've had a really delicious week! :D

Today I've had 350 calories until now. maybe I'll eat a diet cereal bar later. Then I'll have 420 calories.
:)

kiss u

2000 calories. it feels like my body is taking everything back... :(
i want to be dead.

Hey, here I am again.
On monday and tuesday I nearly fasted. That was no good idea cuz after the fasting session came 4 days of binging! :( My laxatives didnt take effect for 3 times until I took 8 pills instead of 2-3... Now I'm back on track since yesterday. So I ate 500 calories yesterday and 250 today.
The last days (of binging) have been very hard so sorry that I didn't write... :( I've been so depressed and was ashamed cuz I'm such a bad ana.

kisses :*

gained 200g -> 47,2kg, BMI 16,92...

Because of no laxatives today I gained 200g. I'm really feeling bad today. Not because of the weight gain but because I think 60 min jogging was too much yesterday. My head is swimming and I feel queasy since I stood up from my bed. *gna* :(

It's 1pm in Germany right now, I'm drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. Last night I thought about contacting a clinic for eating disorders for an out-patient treatment. Why? Because my aim were 48kg... And now I'm weighing 47 and want to weigh 45. I think I will not stop at 45kg... And I'm afraid. It's not losing a little bit for looking slim anymore... I want to appear skinny and bony... I think it's a full-blown anorexia relapse... :(

Edit, 40 minutes later: Crap, they will make me fat. I won't call'em.

Edit, 9pm: 430calories and no sports! :/ Tomorrow I'll walk again. Plus workout.

Yes, Alice. Of course those are my own bones! :)
I've been jogging slowly for 60 minutes today! WOW

Here pics for you...! I like it a little bit.

I didn't weigh myself for 1 week. Last weekend I binged extremely. I ate 1500-2000 cal on saturday and the same shit on sunday! From monday to thursday I ate 200-500 cal everyday. Yesterday I took laxatives.
My weight today:

47kg!

BMI: 16,85

:)

Just another 2kg... Then I will be happy. I will!

PS: I started sports on monday. 30 min jogging slowly everyday. Workout for the muscles every second day. :)

PPS: I'm drowning in my feelings, i'm feeling enchained. i'm feeling lost. starving is child's play. i need someone who wanna HAVE my love... i don't need someone who GIVES me love! i just want to give MINE!

SIZE ZERO I LOVE YOU

Hej my Anas

today I wore my pair of jeans, size 34, they were a little bit close (after eating and drinking), but it was okay, I could wear it all day long! =)

Does anyone know what a german 34 is in the USA? Sometimes I google that a size zero is 30, sometimes 32. I don't know, but I WANT TO KNOW THAT!!!!!!!!! :( Please tell me, if you know that! I'm just able to google perfectly in german. If I try it in english there's just crap. Maybe a native speaker can do it better?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Size_zero

On wikipedia they say a size zero is a european 32, but I can't believe that. Help!

Hey there! :)

Today was a good day. I've been at school and a collegue told me that I'd become really skinny. She wanted to know my weight and height, then she calculated my BMI and was shocked. She asked me not to lose more. I answered "just 3kg more", then she was shocked again (she is a teacher for sports, so I think she learned something bout ED in university and she told me that she has a friend who's weighing 35kg).

In my break I've been at my uncles and he told me that I look very beautiful. =)
(last monday my grandpa complimented me on losing weight)

It was fantastic today. I don't know my weight, I decided to weigh myself not before friday. It makes me crazy weighing myself permanently.

Hope you're doing well!

I'm okay. Just haven't time to write.
I was very hoggish the last days and the weight is stagnating. But I got my period today, so I found the reason for the binge behaviour and the weight stagnation!
Tonight I'll receive a visit until sunday. I'll write again on sunday or monday. Kisses!

Hey my dears,

today I've had a day with 480 calories. But it was a very tasty day! ;)
I wanna show you a picture I like. I took it today.



Hope you're doin well, I'll write more tomorrow! Good n8! :)

Hey huns,

48,1kg today. Although I ate 1000 calories on friday (700 calories for pasta with sauce).

I've a new ana recipe for you:


* Apple Carrot Pancakes *

- 100g apples, grated
- 100g carrots, grated
- 2 egg whites
- 2 table spoons flour
- sweetener

Stir everything in a bowl (sweeten to taste) then give it in a non-stick frying pan (make small pancakes). You can eat it with apple puree, fresh fruits, cinnamon, sugar or what ever you like. I ate it with low fat vanilla sauce and it was amazing!!!

vanilla sauce: low fat vanilla pudding mixed with 0,1% fat milk! ;)

The whole meal has 150 calories (without side dish).

The serving on the photo is NOT the whole recipe! It has (vanilla sauce included!) 100 calories:



PS: Feeling very huge today after I ate 420 calories. Fuck.