Yesterday in the morning, when I was sitting in my living room, drinking coffee for breakfast, I watched the photos I took some weeks ago and I got so sad because I ate so much, I gained so much (I haven't been on my scales since WEEKS, I think I've 50kg), so that I ate NOTHING yesterday!!! 2 cups of coffee with 0,1% fat milk, some sugarfree chewing gums and Coke Zero... Now my body feels sick and my soul healthy again. Sometimes I'm thinking my soul doesnt fit in my body. Those are 2 different things, not coupled. I feel queasy and have to go on field trips (university) today. But my heart is jumping all the time and singing "hey Ana, look at me, be proud of me, I'm back again"...
That suxx.
In June there will be some events, I really want to be thin at. I'll meet my ex class (from school), they havent seen me for years. I'll meet my ex bf 'by accident' on a medieval market in his town. And there will be the prom in the school I've been working in winter. And I have bought a cocktail dress in size XS (EU 34). 3 events!!! But my mum will be here until June 13 and the medieval market is one week later, the prom is on June 26. How can I reach 45kg when my MUM is here?
Sometimes I'm thinking "Give a shit on the others". Sometimes I'm writing in Facebook things like "I hate food"... But then I'm afraid again... Ahhhh, fuck!
That suxx.
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This is a Pro Ana blog about my weight loss from 55kg to 47kg. In summer 2009 I weighed 58kg. I started this blog on December 31 with 55kg. I reached my aim of 47kg in February. I gained much after that. My new aim are 42kg until the end of February 2011. Hope you enjoy reading my blog!
Dear visitor. In the toolbar on the right you find some informative links. At the end of the site you can go to former posts by clicking the link "older posts".
I know how you feel. I remember how I looked last month, and I still hated it, but it's better than how I look now. I ate like crazy for awhile, and then decided to get better. I haven't gained anything since I started recovery, but I had already gained so much from binging. I can't stand it. I have to lose the weight. I just have to. I look in the mirror and cry and punch the wall. I step on the scale and cry and want to grab the sharpest blade I can find and just cut it all off. It makes me so sad and angry. I wish I didn't think it was so important to be skinny. I wish I could focus on other things, but I can't. I have to get all of this off of me :'-(
ReplyDeleteCatriiiiiiiiine,
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love your way :)
Not to whine but i cant read it all and im going blind trying.
ReplyDelete