Yesterday in the morning, when I was sitting in my living room, drinking coffee for breakfast, I watched the photos I took some weeks ago and I got so sad because I ate so much, I gained so much (I haven't been on my scales since WEEKS, I think I've 50kg), so that I ate NOTHING yesterday!!! 2 cups of coffee with 0,1% fat milk, some sugarfree chewing gums and Coke Zero... Now my body feels sick and my soul healthy again. Sometimes I'm thinking my soul doesnt fit in my body. Those are 2 different things, not coupled. I feel queasy and have to go on field trips (university) today. But my heart is jumping all the time and singing "hey Ana, look at me, be proud of me, I'm back again"...

That suxx.

In June there will be some events, I really want to be thin at. I'll meet my ex class (from school), they havent seen me for years. I'll meet my ex bf 'by accident' on a medieval market in his town. And there will be the prom in the school I've been working in winter. And I have bought a cocktail dress in size XS (EU 34). 3 events!!! But my mum will be here until June 13 and the medieval market is one week later, the prom is on June 26. How can I reach 45kg when my MUM is here?

Sometimes I'm thinking "Give a shit on the others". Sometimes I'm writing in Facebook things like "I hate food"... But then I'm afraid again... Ahhhh, fuck!

That suxx.

I'm binging on weekends (cuz i'm at home and my mum is cooking delicious meals) and starving during the week. it's better than binging all the time. i've nothing to eat in my house. just 0,1% fat milk and coffee. not even flour or pasta. NOTHING. :) that's the trick. :)

Asha, your comment on my former post is so true. I lost so many friends cuz of the eating disorder and my response to that fact is continuing that crap until being a skeleton. That's not logical!!! We've so much in common, hun and if you really want to beat the ED, I'll support you as much as I can! Whenever you need someone to talk to: write! in Facebook or in my blog! I'm here for you. Always.

I ate 450 calories today and it feels like being a little bit back on track but there are always moments when I'm thinking like Asha. Thinking about the senselessness of being hungry all the day, never leaving the house because of being afraid of someone is watching you and thinking "oh fuck, what a FAT girl"... the senselessness of losing friends and your lust for life, JUST FOR BEING SKINNY!!!!

I don't know. I really need to talk to my good friend who's leaving me step by step. I need him so much but his life is going down like mine atm.

yes i did some kind of recovery the last time because my mum came here... but i'll stop it in process.
i'm losing my friends at the moment.
my best friend told me she can't handle with my ED so she doesnt want to stay in contact with me. another friend doesnt talk to me anymore for the same reason. and my good friend (that one i'm always telling about in my blog) is also leaving. but HE is going because of HIS problems. i've written a farewell email but not sent yet. i've not seen him for weeks. just last week he has been visiting me for ONE hour! then he left. great.

i'm really sad atm. now i'm going to weigh 45kg at the end of June. i'm not sure if i'll make that and i'm really afraid because always when i'm at home my mum is baking and cooking just favorite meals for me (she knows how to make me eat!!! fuck).

I'm back from recovery and will go on with you tomorrow... :)