Hey there!
Today I ate nothing all day long, but then my special friend came and I drank 3 glasses of redwine and ate a handful of vegan gummy bears, 2 pieces of vegan chocolate and 3 slices of vegan cheese. Feeling fat and overeaten :(


But I've a good message! I stood with a fellow student in front of the university this morning and I bemoaned the coldness. I said "Well, I'm wearing two pullovers, two pairs of trousers, two pairs of sox and I'm freezing anyway!"
My fellow student answered: "If I was as thin as you, I would also freeze!!!"
WOOOOOOOOOW!!!! I was SOOOO happy!!!! Although I've had 53,4kg this morning and although she's thinner than me... Yeeeah :)

Kisses
sikia njaa

hungry and sad

Hey friends,

I'm sitting here in my living room and am hungry. I ate 3 pieces of chocolate today, cuz my friend extended it to me. I drank 3 cups of coffee with 0,1% fat milk. I think I've something like 150-200 calories today.

I wrote an email to my special friend. To the one I love. A very very strange and soulstripping email. I'm waiting for an answer since 5 hours. I'm sitting here and smoke cigarettes, listening to sad music and candles light my way.

I'm sad today... :(

PS! stood on my scales the first time in the morning. Was too curious. 53,6kg this morning. :(

Hej my dears,
today I've had 210 calories and I'm really filled up. Was hungry all day long and so I decided to make a soup (100kcal), added a little bit low fat cream cheese and milk and that's it.
Oh, and I drank a cup of coffee with low fat milk, but that's already included in the calculation.

My family and friends suspect nothing. They don't suspect, that I'm back in the fight against my body. That Alice is back in Hungerland.

I like it. It gives me a head start, which I should capitalize.

Hej Anas,

here I am.
It works!

* 2 cups of coffee with fatfree milk = 40kcal
* 1 Nescafé Express vanilla = 123 kcal
* 1 glass of juice = 86 kcal

249 kcal today.


It's really really great, no, it's perfect! :) I'm so happy and I'm hungry like a hunter. Some of my friends laughed at me, when I said I will weigh 42kg in February. Just them wait...

I'm so motivated, wanted to go for a run this morning, but my runners are 100km away from here. *argh* :(

But 249 calories are also great. Even without sports. ;)

Love you all!

!!! I - AM - FUCKING - BACK !!!

Hey guys, I know, I didn't write for a very very fucking very long time! But everything was so horrible.
My mum came to Germany and she stood believe it or not for SIX months!!!!!!!
I saw her everytime and she cooked and baked just things I really LOVE!

I'd become so unbelievable FAT during the summer. So fat that I'm afraid of using my scales! My clothes (XS) don't fit for a long time! I'm wearing my old clothes in size M. I've a pair of trousers in my wardrobe in size XS... :( I'm missing it!

I will strike back now. I'm back in the fight against myself!

I don't know, how much I weigh, that's the reason why I won't weigh myself until I haven't started my diet. I'm starting NOW.
I'll weigh myself in 2 weeks for the first time!

I wanna have 42kg on february 14th and I hope its realizable.

Kisses, your
sikjanjaa, glad to be back again!

PS! Dear anas, please stop taking laxatives. I did it EVERYTIME and now I've really big problems since 6 months, although I didn't take them from that time on! Every second day I'm afflicted with diarrhea and it's really sucking, you can take it from me...

PPS! I. am. hungry!!!! :)

bad news...

yesterday: 600 calories + alcohol
today:
1 salad with little bit low fat mozzarella
1 bread roll with honey
little bit pineapple juice

bad news:
My mum has extended her residence in Germany until AUGUST!!!!!!!!! HELP ME!!!!!
I REALLY try to get back to ana and the last days have been so great! But what the hell shall I do if she is in Germany all the time?
I told her that I can't come for a visit the next two weekends. I'll see her tomorrow on the birthday party of my grandma. Then I'll stay in my flat for 2 weeks and I will not visit her! With her fucking food and calories!


O huns! My friend has been here and stood overnight...
Now it's certainty: he ALSO fell in love with ME and that adds insult to injury! :(
He is 62 years old! I'm 25 (26 in 1,5 months)!
He has a girlfriend (more or less) since a very long time!
We are collegues!
O my gosh, I wanna be dead!

I love him but i've never been interested in being with him. And I still won't that!!! But what the hell DO I want? And I don't know what HE wants!

I just enjoy being close to him. I love listening to him. I love lying in my bed with him while feeling his skin. How he gently strokes me all the time.

He's the hardest mystery I've ever seen.
But I really want to unravel that mystery.

That is everything I know! :´(

yesterday: 650 calories

today: 3 salad leafs with yogurt dressing


Ana, I need you, I want you BACK!!!! Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love you so much :'( Where are u???????????

My mum will leave on June 13, I'm really looking forward to this date. NOT because I want to dispose of her but when she's here I CAN'T STARVE!!!! I miss her so much, that's the point why I'm always relapsing when she's leaving.

@F.: I love you. I love you more than my life. And the fact that we can NEVER be a normal couple, that it will NEVER be possible to love each other in the face of the world, that's the absolute worst thing, the absolute horror in my life... I love you... :´(

Yesterday in the morning, when I was sitting in my living room, drinking coffee for breakfast, I watched the photos I took some weeks ago and I got so sad because I ate so much, I gained so much (I haven't been on my scales since WEEKS, I think I've 50kg), so that I ate NOTHING yesterday!!! 2 cups of coffee with 0,1% fat milk, some sugarfree chewing gums and Coke Zero... Now my body feels sick and my soul healthy again. Sometimes I'm thinking my soul doesnt fit in my body. Those are 2 different things, not coupled. I feel queasy and have to go on field trips (university) today. But my heart is jumping all the time and singing "hey Ana, look at me, be proud of me, I'm back again"...

That suxx.

In June there will be some events, I really want to be thin at. I'll meet my ex class (from school), they havent seen me for years. I'll meet my ex bf 'by accident' on a medieval market in his town. And there will be the prom in the school I've been working in winter. And I have bought a cocktail dress in size XS (EU 34). 3 events!!! But my mum will be here until June 13 and the medieval market is one week later, the prom is on June 26. How can I reach 45kg when my MUM is here?

Sometimes I'm thinking "Give a shit on the others". Sometimes I'm writing in Facebook things like "I hate food"... But then I'm afraid again... Ahhhh, fuck!

That suxx.

I'm binging on weekends (cuz i'm at home and my mum is cooking delicious meals) and starving during the week. it's better than binging all the time. i've nothing to eat in my house. just 0,1% fat milk and coffee. not even flour or pasta. NOTHING. :) that's the trick. :)

Asha, your comment on my former post is so true. I lost so many friends cuz of the eating disorder and my response to that fact is continuing that crap until being a skeleton. That's not logical!!! We've so much in common, hun and if you really want to beat the ED, I'll support you as much as I can! Whenever you need someone to talk to: write! in Facebook or in my blog! I'm here for you. Always.

I ate 450 calories today and it feels like being a little bit back on track but there are always moments when I'm thinking like Asha. Thinking about the senselessness of being hungry all the day, never leaving the house because of being afraid of someone is watching you and thinking "oh fuck, what a FAT girl"... the senselessness of losing friends and your lust for life, JUST FOR BEING SKINNY!!!!

I don't know. I really need to talk to my good friend who's leaving me step by step. I need him so much but his life is going down like mine atm.

yes i did some kind of recovery the last time because my mum came here... but i'll stop it in process.
i'm losing my friends at the moment.
my best friend told me she can't handle with my ED so she doesnt want to stay in contact with me. another friend doesnt talk to me anymore for the same reason. and my good friend (that one i'm always telling about in my blog) is also leaving. but HE is going because of HIS problems. i've written a farewell email but not sent yet. i've not seen him for weeks. just last week he has been visiting me for ONE hour! then he left. great.

i'm really sad atm. now i'm going to weigh 45kg at the end of June. i'm not sure if i'll make that and i'm really afraid because always when i'm at home my mum is baking and cooking just favorite meals for me (she knows how to make me eat!!! fuck).

I'm back from recovery and will go on with you tomorrow... :)

Hej,
here i am.
I just needed a little bit calm. But now I'm back.

What can I tell u?
My new aim is 48kg until monday. And I think I'm weighing 50kg (or maybe 51???) atm so it isnt really easy to reach that aim.

My mum came on sunday and I tried to eat a lot the 2 weeks before she came because I was afraid of her reaction and that she'll call my ex psychologist etc.
So I gained 2-3kg and she came and said I'm looking great. Okay, that was what I went for the last weeks... But I'm a little bit disappointed anyway...

However, now I can start again (45kg until June 1st).

I've no touch to my good friend. It feels like his problem gets bigger and bigger and I don't know what I shall do because he doesnt wanna tell me what's going on so I'm not able to help him.

I wrote him that I'm so sad because we havent met since the beginning of march and that I miss him so much, etc. no chance. :(

KISSES

It's 6pm in Germany right now. 360 calories. I'll write it down now so I hope that will be a reason to fast the rest of the day. :)

Hey!!!

I'm back on track now.
Yesterday 550 calories and laxatives! :) Today I've had 175 until now but it's my second 500 calories-day! I'm on the ABC (Ana Boot Camp) Diet for the next 3 weeks, what means:

Day 1: 500 calories
Day 2: 500 calories
Day 3:300 calories
Day 4:400 calories
Day 5: 100 calories
Day 6: 200 calories
Day 7: 300 calories
Day 8: 400 calories
Day 9: 500 calories
Day 10: fast
Day 11: 150 calories
Day 12: 200 calories
Day 13: 400 calories
Day 14: 350 calories
Day 15: 250 calories
Day 16: 200 calories
Day 17: fast
Day 18: 200 calories
Day 19: 100 calories
Day 20: fast
Day 21: 300 calories

My aims:
Sunday 4/11 - 48 kg (106 lbs)
Sunday 4/18 - 47,5 kg (105 lbs)
Sunday 4/25 - 46,5 kg (102 lbs)
Sunday 5/2 - 45,5 kg (100 lbs)
Sunday 5/9 - 45 kg (99 lbs)

I'll use my scales on sunday and I'm very afraid cuz the last 2 weeks have been REALLY horrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't talk about it... :(

But now I'm back in the wonderful world of Ana I hope! Keep your fingers crossed for me that I'll stay strong!!! I need you and your support.

LOVE YOU!

PS: Especially for Asha cuz I know you read it: I'm so glad to know you, hun! Thanks for being there, thanks for being Asha and thanks for being a friend!

Hej huns,

how're u doin? have you seen the pictures of my dog in facebook? she's so cute! :)
ana isn't goin well atm. but better than last week. i'll come back. slowly but i'll come back.
i'm sorry that i'm not writing so much at the moment but its very exhausting with the dog (NOT because of the dog but because of the people comin for visit, bringin gifts, people callin on the phone askin "how's kisura??? how're u doin with her?" and so on!).
but i think in a few days nobody will ask for kisura anymore, haha... it's always the same, isn't it?

my friend (u know which one) is on holiday since today, what makes me a li'l bit sad. he'll come back in 10 days or so... :( no emails, no text messages, no hugs. :(

k/m..iss you

caty

I tell you something REALLY strange.
I ate like a pig for 1 week. I ate chocolate, pancakes, ice cream, french fries, cheese, cookies, drank cocktails with cream, etc.
3 days I've had more than 2000 kcal... the rest of the days 900-1500... I stopped on wednesday. That was my last binge day.
Yesterday I've had 420 kcal and took laxatives.
Today I went on my scales.... 47,2kg... I didn't gain anything!!!!
WHAT THE HELL????????????
I'm soooooooooooo happy guys! And I've had a really delicious week! :D

Today I've had 350 calories until now. maybe I'll eat a diet cereal bar later. Then I'll have 420 calories.
:)

kiss u

2000 calories. it feels like my body is taking everything back... :(
i want to be dead.

Hey, here I am again.
On monday and tuesday I nearly fasted. That was no good idea cuz after the fasting session came 4 days of binging! :( My laxatives didnt take effect for 3 times until I took 8 pills instead of 2-3... Now I'm back on track since yesterday. So I ate 500 calories yesterday and 250 today.
The last days (of binging) have been very hard so sorry that I didn't write... :( I've been so depressed and was ashamed cuz I'm such a bad ana.

kisses :*

gained 200g -> 47,2kg, BMI 16,92...

Because of no laxatives today I gained 200g. I'm really feeling bad today. Not because of the weight gain but because I think 60 min jogging was too much yesterday. My head is swimming and I feel queasy since I stood up from my bed. *gna* :(

It's 1pm in Germany right now, I'm drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. Last night I thought about contacting a clinic for eating disorders for an out-patient treatment. Why? Because my aim were 48kg... And now I'm weighing 47 and want to weigh 45. I think I will not stop at 45kg... And I'm afraid. It's not losing a little bit for looking slim anymore... I want to appear skinny and bony... I think it's a full-blown anorexia relapse... :(

Edit, 40 minutes later: Crap, they will make me fat. I won't call'em.

Edit, 9pm: 430calories and no sports! :/ Tomorrow I'll walk again. Plus workout.

Yes, Alice. Of course those are my own bones! :)
I've been jogging slowly for 60 minutes today! WOW

Here pics for you...! I like it a little bit.

I didn't weigh myself for 1 week. Last weekend I binged extremely. I ate 1500-2000 cal on saturday and the same shit on sunday! From monday to thursday I ate 200-500 cal everyday. Yesterday I took laxatives.
My weight today:

47kg!

BMI: 16,85

:)

Just another 2kg... Then I will be happy. I will!

PS: I started sports on monday. 30 min jogging slowly everyday. Workout for the muscles every second day. :)

PPS: I'm drowning in my feelings, i'm feeling enchained. i'm feeling lost. starving is child's play. i need someone who wanna HAVE my love... i don't need someone who GIVES me love! i just want to give MINE!

SIZE ZERO I LOVE YOU

Hej my Anas

today I wore my pair of jeans, size 34, they were a little bit close (after eating and drinking), but it was okay, I could wear it all day long! =)

Does anyone know what a german 34 is in the USA? Sometimes I google that a size zero is 30, sometimes 32. I don't know, but I WANT TO KNOW THAT!!!!!!!!! :( Please tell me, if you know that! I'm just able to google perfectly in german. If I try it in english there's just crap. Maybe a native speaker can do it better?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Size_zero

On wikipedia they say a size zero is a european 32, but I can't believe that. Help!

Hey there! :)

Today was a good day. I've been at school and a collegue told me that I'd become really skinny. She wanted to know my weight and height, then she calculated my BMI and was shocked. She asked me not to lose more. I answered "just 3kg more", then she was shocked again (she is a teacher for sports, so I think she learned something bout ED in university and she told me that she has a friend who's weighing 35kg).

In my break I've been at my uncles and he told me that I look very beautiful. =)
(last monday my grandpa complimented me on losing weight)

It was fantastic today. I don't know my weight, I decided to weigh myself not before friday. It makes me crazy weighing myself permanently.

Hope you're doing well!

I'm okay. Just haven't time to write.
I was very hoggish the last days and the weight is stagnating. But I got my period today, so I found the reason for the binge behaviour and the weight stagnation!
Tonight I'll receive a visit until sunday. I'll write again on sunday or monday. Kisses!

Hey my dears,

today I've had a day with 480 calories. But it was a very tasty day! ;)
I wanna show you a picture I like. I took it today.



Hope you're doin well, I'll write more tomorrow! Good n8! :)

Hey huns,

48,1kg today. Although I ate 1000 calories on friday (700 calories for pasta with sauce).

I've a new ana recipe for you:


* Apple Carrot Pancakes *

- 100g apples, grated
- 100g carrots, grated
- 2 egg whites
- 2 table spoons flour
- sweetener

Stir everything in a bowl (sweeten to taste) then give it in a non-stick frying pan (make small pancakes). You can eat it with apple puree, fresh fruits, cinnamon, sugar or what ever you like. I ate it with low fat vanilla sauce and it was amazing!!!

vanilla sauce: low fat vanilla pudding mixed with 0,1% fat milk! ;)

The whole meal has 150 calories (without side dish).

The serving on the photo is NOT the whole recipe! It has (vanilla sauce included!) 100 calories:



PS: Feeling very huge today after I ate 420 calories. Fuck.

Hej

Today I've had breakfast (1 toast with jam) for speeding up my metabolism. I hate it to eat in the morning... Then I'm always feeling fat all day long.

My lunch was spinach, red cabbage and egg white. AND a little bit oil after I read that oil is necessary for weight loss! *haha* :)

Dinner were an apple and a fat free yoghurt, so I've had 370 calories today, that's okay I guess!

The "yoghurt celebration" (125g) lasted 30 minutes. Always dipping the teaspoon in the cup, then letting the yoghurt drain until there's only a thin film left. Drinking tea between every bite. NEVER shove the spoon into your mouth completely! JUST lick it up! ;)


Sometimes I'm thinking that I eat too much for an ana... What do u think? Okay, I'm losing weight anyway and my metabolism isn't slowed down too much. Maybe that's a reason to keep my way. Eating ca. 400 calories a day and 1-2 refeed days with 600-800 calories per week.

PS: Thanks Asha for your comment on the former posting. Maybe I'm not the only one who collects parents...?

Hej, my Anas.

I've been bicycling today. 110 minutes! :) I guess I burned something about 500 calories!

Today the sun is shining, it's warm here (12°C = 54°F). The sky is blue and the air very fresh and springlike :D
Okay, I thought I would die while cycling... But hey! 500 calories!!! When I came home I ate a cereal bar (70cal) and a small apple (50cal).
___

Edit 8pm: Ate 390 cal today. I need 1600 calories a day. I burned 500 by cycling. So I would have needed 2100 calories today. It's a minus of 1710 calories. That are 25% of ONE kilo fat (to burn 1kg fat you need to save 7000 calories).
___

It was so good, that my friend came around yesterday!!! I don't regret that I called him

But I'm a little bit worried bout him. He seemed not happy yesterday and I KNOW that there's something in his life going wrong! =( That makes me sad. I wanna see him happy. Not pensive and so on... =(

PS: Related to some PMs in Facebook: NO, I didn't fall in love with that friend... Okay, I love him. I love him very much... He is something like the leader of the family in my heart at the moment. But I love him like a friend, I love him like a daddy. Like a daddy I've never had! Yes, I would die for him, yes I would! But I'm not interested in any love attachment with him. Absolutely not! My dears... this man is nearly 40 years older than me! :D

Edit: Okay... I told a little lie. Yes, I love him like a good friend, like a daddy and i'm not sure... maybe a little bit like a lover. But anyway: I'm NOT interested in any love attachment! I want to keep the relationship like it is! That's the reason why I'll NEVER tell him the truth! ;)

Thanks Asha for your wonderful comment!!! *sigh*

Today I broke down, cut myself, cried. I couldn't help but calling a friend and asking for help. He came after 15 minutes. Hugged me. Talked to me. And ... listened to me! He has been here for 1,5 hours. Not long cuz he has a great deal to do. But it was so great that he was here. Now I'm alone again but feel much better than before. Although it gnaws at my conscience that I called him and asked him to come... :/
I'm not feeling like I'm worth it. But it's okay. My mood is better. I'm not as sad as before.

Now I'll go into my kitchen and eat something. Hey, I've 48kg... That was my aim for the middle of march! Why the hell shouldn't I EAT something today???? :)

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! I started weighing myself again. Before I went on holidays I've had 49,5 I think... Then I was eating 800-1500 cal a day for more than a week... Last sunday maybe 2000!

I weighed myself today... Fearing for weight gain (I thought I'd have 51kg).

BUT:


!!!!! 48 !!!!!

I weigh 48 kg!!!! = 105,6 lbs!!!

BMI = 17,2!!!!

(Anorexia from a medical point of view: less than 17,5!) CONGRATS!

Edit (3 hours later): In the first or second week of my weightloss I wrote you I'd be the happiest human alive when I reach my aim of 48kg... But hey... I am NOT the happiest human alive! I've been the happiest human alive for 10 minutes... Now I'm feelin sad like before.

Okay, nobody has an idea but thanks for your private messages in Facebook. Mh... It doesn't matter why Ana came back. She IS back and that's a big problem...

I'm sitting here in my flat, didn't open the roller shutter today... Only a handful candles light my way.

I'm slipping away from the rest of the world. It's just me, hunger, cigarettes, candles and music. I'm not answering my phone. My celly is out of action. I've cigarettes for the next 3 days. I'm not going to leave my flat...

Sometimes I'm sitting in front of my toilet, chewing candies and sweets, chewing pancakes, chocolate and stuff... Chewing with tears in my eyes, spitting out every bite in the toilet... Crying because of the taste of the food, crying because of flushing it. Crying because of being ME.

After that I'm speculating how many calories have been swallowed accidentally.
Then I'm feeling undisciplined. Feeling like a pig. Feeling fat because of the taste in my mouth. I'm rinsing my mouth with water. I'm lighting a cigarette. I'm staring into space. I'm crying.

In absolutely no way I want someone ringing my doorbell. But there is no bigger wish than someone ringing my doorbell... Coming in. Drying my tears. Listening to me. Hugging me.

:(

Thanks for ur comments, u're so right, huns... :(

Here a song which I wrote and sang. Its very badly sung, but maybe u like it anyway...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDcG8NEMzlc

Last night I couldn't sleep. I stood up at 2am and made hot milk with honey (100 cal which I've to deduct from today's cal ration).
The milk didn't get results... Wasted!


My food today (was 600 cal day):

Breakfast:
- 2 cups of coffee (40)
- sugarfree jellO with vanilla sauce (60)

Lunch:
- 2 diet pills
- mixed vegetables (170)
- fatfree yogurt (70)

Dinner:
- 2 diet pills
- fatfree cereal bar (70)
- jellO with sauce (60)

470 cal

Although I ate much more in my holidays it was very difficult to reach the 600...

Tomorrow will be 400 cal day again, I think 400 is perfect. You aren't very hungry when u go to bed but also not feelin like a feeding pig.

Last night - when I wasn't able to sleep - I thought about my ED. I was anorexic at the age of 14-17. Then I was in recovery for 4 years (out-patient treatment).
Diagnosis: I never got love from my dad. He wasn't interested in ME but in my school achievement. He didn't care bout my anorexia... He didn't care bout anything.

The years after I've had very small relapses. Just losing 2-3kg... I've always had a weight between 51 and 58kg.

I'm wondering why my ana came back all of sudden. I was thinking about the incidents before my ana came back.

My boyfriend left me in July, that was really shocking for me. I've been crying for weeks.
In August my lovely cat (she was something very special) died by accident with a harvester...
Then I started my internship at school. I ate very normal. I ate candies, sweets, I ate the food in the cafeteria. As they all did.
But I reduced it from day to day, not thinking about what I'm doing. I realized - of course - that I'm losing weight and was glad about that fact. But not very exerted to lose weight.

Then I remember a day, when I met a friend (which I know from school, it's a collegue) in a bar. There was a menu with pancakes. You've to know that I LOVE pancakes. I could eat them all day long. He asked me if I want to have one... I refused. Although I've been hungry.

That's the first day I remember when I really thought bout losing weight. When I thought "don't eat, you'll get fat like a pig!" when I thought "food is from hell! think about all the fat in the pancake, don't eat it!!!"

I weighed 52,5kg when my mum arrived in November. She was a little bit shocked cuz I lost 3 kgs in 2 months. What's not much, of course. But remember: My mum knows about my past.
I gained 2,5kg during her stay in Germany (until New Years Eve). But when she left I decided to join the PRO ANA group in Facebook, I decided to lose weight again, I decided to starve, maybe I decided to die.

I lost 6kg in 6 weeks. Only the days, when I spoke to my friend (the one I met in the bar) I was able to eat more. I always wrote emails to him, I wrote text messages, I asked for meeting... But he has his own problems atm and the more he withdrew from me the more I starved.
I don't know the reason for that behaviour. All I want to do is talking to him. But I don't want to do that while he has his own problems...

I don't understand that. Has anyone an idea why Ana came back for destroying my life? Looking forward to your comments.

Good morning my anas.
My belly looks normally again. Thanks to laxatives... *phew*
Today was my 400 cal day.

Breakfast: 2 diet pills, coffee with milk = 20 cal

Lunch: Ana-Pizza (kind of pita bread with cream cheese, tomato sauce, vegetables and low fat cheese) = 180 cal



Afternoon: coffee with milk and vanilla sugar = 30 cal, diet cereal bar = 70 cal

Dinner: 2 diet pills, spinach with champignons and cream cheese = 100 cal

-> 400 cal


Today when I looked at myself in the mirror, I liked my body for a short moment. That was cool. I'm curious about seeing my weight on the scales in a few days. But I'm not ready yet... cuz I'm really afraid of the numbers...

I'm so sad... What will get better after losing another 5kg??? I WILL NOT BE HAPPY! I will not be happier with 45kg... I will never be happy. What is the reason for doing that shit??? I don't know!
I'm alone... I need someone who hugs me. Now!!! The lights go out all around me, one last candle to keep out the night... and then the darkness surrounds me, I know I'm alive but I feel like I died. And all that's left is to accept that it's over... my dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made... I try to keep warm but I just grow colder, I feel like I'm slipping away...

I need my mommy and my daddy... I need a stuffed animal and my mommy baking cookies and bringing me a hot chocolate... ;(

HUMANS!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN A LITTLE GIRL JUST NEEDS A FUCKING SNIPPY HUG?????????

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT!!!



That's my arm. I took the picture yesterday... ;( *cry* WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN ON HERE???

where.
are.
my.
friends?

i.
need.
someone.
to.
save.
my.
life.

help.
help.
help.
help.
help.
help.
help.
help.
help.
help.
help.
help.
help.

help me.

My arm looks very skinny at this picture... but only on the picture. in reality it's very fat!!! :(

Good day. Well done. I'm back in my ana life.
It's 6pm now in Germany but I'll post now, so it's not possible to eat again!!! Once posted, you aren't allowed to change your daily results... ;)

Ate:

* 4 diet pills
* laxatives
* 2 cups of coffee with little milk
* 1 plate full of vegetables
* 1 litre chocolate tea (with little vanilla sugar)
* 3 litres of water

Chewed the rest of my swedish cakes but spit it out in the toilet! :) Didn't swallow that fucking stuff!

-> ca. 190 calories.

Did 25 minutes exercising (100 crunches, 100 exercises for each leg, dancing and rope skipping).

Hey Ana ♥, I missed you!!! ♥

Tomorrow I'm allowed to eat 400 calories. Looking forward :)

How are you, my skinny friends?

hey i'm back at home.
I guess that I gained 2kg on my holidays. So I will not use my scales before next monday.
Yesterday I took some laxatives.
So my day started with breakfast:
* 2 diet pills, coffee with milk (40cal) and laxatives in much water (the last one while sitting on the toilet because of the effect of the laxatives from yesterday).

My aim are 50kg next monday. :(

PS: I started the 2-4-6-4-2 diet today (today 200cal, tomorrow 400, then 600, then 400, 200,400,600,400,200...)

hey... my life sucks. i haven*t been on the toilet since 9 fucking days!!!! i look like i*m pregnant!! :( i*ve eaten so much food the last days. things like fancy cakes and stuff... :( i feel like i*ve gained 5kg during my holidays.
do u think i*ll lose them fast after coming back to germany on sunday? :( i*m so depressed. i could cry all the day. =(
the only positive thing is that i*ve been walking around very much. yesterday i did a walk through the swedish winter wonderland (i also climbed a hill) lasting 3 hours!

but i*m afraid of using my scales at home... the first thing i*m going to do when i*ll arrive on sunday at 6pm is drinking a bottle of laxatives. HELP ME!!!!!!!!

hey there
thanks asha for your posting.
i love sweden and i love my host. but i*m eating all day long... :( i*ve to fast when i*ll arrive in germany on sunday... but i*ll make it. i made it the last 4 weeks so i*ll make it again.

i miss u.

Hey there

after 3-4 days of eating like a pig (i*m really glad that there is no scales here) i ate something bout 450 calories today. There*s enough time until monday to reach my 49kg again I hope.
My host has been asking me if I*m on a diet. I said "yes, i think i gained bout 200 kg in the last 4 days". He answered "no, you*re skinny"... am i??? not sure anymore. :( feeling really fat cuz i*ve been eating things with cream! cake and that horrible stuff. but it was so tasty... *sigh*

i really miss u!!!! <3

sikia njaa

hey my little anas

i*m in a little town called åkersberga. u can look it up in google maps. it*s still really cool in sweden but i*m not able to eat like in germany :( every second day i*ve something over 800cal... :( today it was ca. 500 cal... :(
but i*ve 1 week more to regulate my weight so i hope that i will not gain too much. there is no scales here where i am. i*m at a smart young guy but of course boys don*t have scales... :( i miss u so much. i miss my ana life... :( looking forward to be at home, to go on my scales and to count calories all the day. hope u do well. i love u

cat*

hey there
i send you lovely greetings from sweden.
it's wonderful here, but very cold. in spite of wearing 3 trousers, i am so fucking cold.
eating is okay. wednesday: 300 cal
thursday: 1000 cal (cuz of cooking for the host)
friday: 350 cal

today i ate a roll for breakfast and have another roll (its a small one) for lunch and dinner in my bag...

i miss you so much! and i miss my SCALES!!!!!!!!

hope you all are doing well!!!

stay strong!!! :*

I had to eat 2 muffins today to show my family that I've no problems with eating. I could cry... Cuz I ate a low fat yogurt BEFORE!!! I think I've had bout 600 cal :(

My aunt gave me vitamin and mineral pills cuz she was shocked when she saw me... 4kg since I've seen her 3 weeks ago.

Tomorrow I'll stand up at 4.30am and my flight will depart at 9.45am. I'll post in my blog again as soon as possible.

I love you all. Please stay strong!!!

I'm bursting at the seams.
Ate 400-450 cal and drank more than 5 (FIVE) litres of water!!! I was so thirsty, couldn't stop drinking all the time.
I feel like a balloon! :D

Tomorrow I'll drive home to my brother. I will depart at 9:45am on wednesday... So I don't know when it will be possible to write again. But I'm sure that I'll be able to write some short postings every few days.

I told my friend that I feel NOT like discussing bout eating or not eating all the day in the holidays. And that she has to let me handle like I feel. She agreed!!!

So I'm hoping that it will be possible NOT to gain any weight in Sweden but maybe LOSE!

I love you all!

Lovely, the balloon! :)

Hey there!

I survived the birthday party.
I ate one piece of marble cake and two pieces of pizza. I said that I'm invited to another birthday party in the evening and that I don't want to eat too much cuz the friend (of the imaginary birthday party) will cook.

So I think I've something bout 600 cal? Don't know. I'm only able to calculate if I know all ingredients...
Doesn't matter.

But the greatest thing on the birthday party were the comments of my relatives!

1. "Oh fuck, you had become SO thin!!!"
2. "You are so skinny!"
3. "Why did you lose so much weight? And how did you MAKE that in that fucking short time???"

:) Every time I stood up of my chair and walked through the room, every body was following me with the eyes, scanning my body from top to bottom.

GREAT FEELING!

_

A love affair with food

I love feeling hungry
I love the taste of food
I love seeing tv cookery shows
I love flicking through cooking books
I love watching pictures of food
I love if someone tells me how thin I had become

I hate the feeling after I ate
I hate if someone asks me if I've problems
But... my biggest wish would be that everyone would see that I HAVE a problem
...my biggest wish would be that there would be someone who would just hug me...

I wish there would be
ANYONE OUTSIDE WHO WOULD JUST LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey my anas ♥

I'm afraid of two things.
First: My grandpa will celebrate his 82. birthday tomorrow. I'm invited to kaffee klatsch :) and dinner. My whole family knows that I've been in recovery for 5 years (it's 4 years ago). It's no option to act like a freakin anorexic. Thanks to Sierra and Asha for the tips. I will eat a piece of cake in the afternoon and maybe some vegetables in the evening. I'm afraid... I will let you know what I've done.

The second thing is my holiday in Sweden. I'll depart on wednesday. But a friend will come with me and she knows ALSO that I've been anorexic for a long time and first of all she knows that I'm going to be one again! I will stay 11 days with a girl who knows about everything... I don't know how to react. And there will be no scales. And no internet! I hope that I'll find some possibility to go on the internet and tell you what's goin on.

Today I've been 49,6kg (109 lbs) and ate something bout 400cal. That's okay. Tomorrow will be the great "grandpa's birthday refeed day". I'll not weigh myself on monday.

I'll miss you like hell when I'm in Sweden. Don't feel like going on holiday since I'm ana again.

I'll miss my real friends. Don't have many GOOD friends (I don't like people) but I'll miss the handful of friends I have. I've a friend who's a very attentive listener. He's older than my dad but that's what makes him so formidable. He's the only person - I met in 25 years - I can talk to about my anorexic story. I've not even been talking to my psychotherapist... Sometimes when I'm talking bout this fucking shit happened in my life (rape, eating disorders, aborts, cutting and much more) I hear myself speaking and don't even believe myself cuz it sounds so absurd. But I've the sense that HE does! That makes me so happy.
I'll miss him. I'll miss you. I'll miss everything.

I'm sad.

But: I ♥ you all!!!!!!!!!

yours
cat

Hey!

Gained 200g but that's okay. :) I'm still under 50kg!

Made cool food today.

ingredients:
- 2 egg whites (17 cal)
- 130g mixed vegetables (ca. 44 cal)
- ketchup

Heat the vegetables in the pan (with cooking spray or nothing). Spice it with salt, pepper and paprika powder.
Do the vegetables on a plate.
Heat the two egg whites like scrambled eggs and spice them.

You can eat it with ketchup or what you like. Without sauce/ketchup it has about 61 cal, with a blob of ketchup something bout 70-80 cal.

BMI: 17.75

Good morning
altough I've been drinking 250ml of whitewine yesterday (drank it WITHOUT eating. I ate 200cal 6 hours before drinking wine) I lost 600g...

I WEIGH

49,5 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE 4!!!!! I haven't seen the four since EIGHT fucking years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 <3

PS: Asha, ♥ thanks a lot you are soooo cute! ♥♥♥

I'm sitting here, drinking coffee and chain-smoking cigarettes! ;)
Yesterday I took some laxatives and I'm glad to tell you that I lost weight again. After a plateau for 1 week (always 50,9 - 51,2kg) I'm at 50,1kg (110,22 lbs) today. It's not only cuz of the laxatives. Last time I took them I didn't lose anything regardless.
Now my BMI is 17,96. What means it is under 18 and it makes me so happy today. I'm jumping through my living room all the time! :)

2kg more for reaching my aim!
Since December 31 I lost 5kg! What means 5kg (11 lbs) in 34 days. It's great. I'm feeling so light and wonderful. Like a fairy... :)

On my old (broken) scales I would weigh 49kg today!!! :-O GREAT!!! :)

I'm looking forward for the 48kg (105,6 lbs)! :) Maybe I can recover my old plan by losing anything in my holidays. It's complicated cuz of the friend who will be with me... But I will try not to binge. Okay, I assume that I will gain some weight :/ But maybe the holiday will work like a great refeed! ;)

All my love!

Sikia njaa*

i have been at the gynecologist. my pill is just dosed too low. that's the whole secret of the bleeding.
and i haven't been on the scales today. was too afraid :( although i ate only 300 cal yesterday.

today i'm at 100 cal. but i will eat again in the afternoon (250-300 cal today). maybe i will have the courage standing on my scales tomorrow... :(

:(

I didn't lose anything from last monday to today :( 50,9kg today! don't know what to do.
Tomorrow I've an appointment at the gynecologist cuz of the bleeding. Maybe there will be an explanation and then I will lose weight again (maybe it's just water retention).

But I want to show you something great! The name of the great thing is "Kisura" what means "beautiful girl" in Kiswahili. It's a one year old german sheep dog mix, living on the streets in Greece. She will come to Germany in 4 weeks. It will be MY dog!!! She is reserved for me...

Wah! I woke up this morning and it's SO much snow here! HELP! I want summer. Wrote with my malaysian friends in facebook and with my parents (Singapore) and it's sooo warm overthere. Want to go back to Singapore. Missing Asia!!! ;(

My bleeding is weaker than yesterday and I took some laxatives.
Yesterday I've had horrible pains like uterine contractions and if I combine the bleeding and the pains and everything what happend last weeks, I'm thinking that maybe I've had a misscarriage yesterday??? what the fuck? okay, if I really have been pregnant so I'm glad bout having a misscarriage... ^^ I don't care. Losing weight is important. Nothing else matters.

I've a new recipe for you I did yesterday. It has had bout 300 cal or something like that.

You need:
- flour
- egg white
- low fat milk
- low fat cheese
- vegetables
- spinach
- champignons
- low fat cottage cheese

make pan cakes of flour, egg white and milk.
then heat up spinach with spices and cottage cheese and champignons in it.
cook the vegetables in vegetable stock

fill the spinach in the pancakes and fold them together. give them in a casserole dish, do the vegetables in it and do the cheese over everything. give it in the oven.

it will look like that:

I've still lost no weight from yesterday to today.
So I made a refeed day with 800 calories. Tomorrow i will not go on my scales. But I will tell you on monday if my refeed worked.

Bought a new jeans today. Size 27 fitted but I bought 28 cuz I don't like it if jeans are so tight.
4 weeks ago I wore size 30. :)

pro ana down

The Pro Ana group in Facebook was deleted. Lisa is in the hospital. I read it on her blog. I'm not able to create a new one cuz it's my real name in FB with real friends who are not ana. And when I was admin of PRO ANA I've been deleted last time. It was a torture getting my account back.

Maybe one of the Anas with fake account can create a new one?

___

Yesterday I ate bout 250 cal and gained 300g until today. But I've something like intermenstrual bleeding and I hope that's just water letting my weight rise.

Today I've had bout 300 cal and am not sure if I shall stay on my scales tomorrow... I was so frustrated today in the morning. Yesterday 50,6 and today 50,9... (sometimes the scales showed 51kg)

Was no good day...

I'll write again.

Lovely

sikia njaa

Hi. I gained 100g from yesterday to today. 50,6kg... Don't know why. Ate only 400cal yesterday. I'm always losing weight if I eat more than 500 cal and I don't lose much (or GAIN!) if I eat under 500 cal. Strange...

But I don't care. I will not eat more than 400 cal today... :( Mh.

I need another 2,6kg for reaching my aim.

Stay strong.

Good morning my dears

maybe you remember my speedup 2 days ago. I ate 700 cal on monday. I was depressed in the evening cuz I ate like a pig. On monday I've had 51.1 (112.4 lbs). Then on tuesday I've had 51.6kg (113.5 lbs) cuz of the speedup on monday and I thought that it was no good idea to speedup (and I've to say that the speedup wasnt voluntary...).
Today I stood on the scales and - oh wow - 50,5 (111 lbs). I lost 600g (1.3 lbs) in 2 days with my little speedup on monday.
Now I've a BMI of 18.11 and I'm really happy and a little bit proud. 27 days ago I've had 55kg (121 lbs) and now 4,5kg (10 lbs) less. :)

Stay strong my Anas.

I'm there for you and thank you very much for being there for me. Without you I wouldnt reach any aim... THANKS!

I love you!

sikia njaa*


PS:

I realized that I reached my aim for next monday today!
My old plan was:


Monday, January 25 - 51,2kg
Monday, February 1 - 50,5kg
Monday, February 8 - 50,0kg

- holiday from 2/10 - 2/21 -

Monday, February 22 - 50,0kg
Monday, March 1 - 49kg
Monday, March 8 - 48,5kg
Monday, March 15 - !48kg!


My new plan is:

Monday, February 1 - 50 kg
Monday, February 8 - 49.5 kg

- holiday from 2/10 - 2/21 -

Monday, February 22 - 49.5 kg
Monday, March 1 - 48.7 kg
Monday, March 8 - 48 kg

competition results

Hey there!

Here are the results of our competition!
We lost in one week from monday to monday 22,7 lbs! :)

Sierra WON :)

1. Sierra -> 5'7", 156 lbs -> 145 lbs = LOST 11 lbs
2. Honnie -> 5'2", 118 lbs -> 114 lbs = LOST 4 lbs
2. Michael -> 5'2", 95 lbs -> 91 lbs = LOST 4 lbs
3. Catrine -> 5'5", 115,9 lbs -> 112,2 lbs = LOST 3,7 lbs
4. Alina -> 5'6", 108 lbs -> 107 lbs = LOST 1 lbs
5. Terri -> 5'7", 143 lbs -> 143 lbs = LOST 0 lbs


NO ANSWER

- Hanna -> 5'5", 108,9 lbs
- Amanda -> 5'6", 186 lbs
- Audrey -> 5'6", 123lbs

Thanks for your comments on my former posting! :)

Now - like promised - the recipe:

*Great Grated Veggies with Tahini Dressing* (vegan)

for 6 servings!

Ingredients:
Dressing
*1,5 tablespoons tahini (sesame paste)
*2-3 tablespoons lemon juice, to taste
*1 tablespoon agave nectar
*2 tablespoons vegan mayonnaise
*1 tablespoon minced fresh dill or 1/4 teaspoon dried

*4 cups grated raw vegetables (use a combination of trimmed and peeled broccoli stems, carrots, turnip, jicama, golden beets, and dalkon radish - choose 2 or 3)
*salt and freshly ground pepper to taste


1. combine the dressing ingredients in a small bowl and stir together.
2. place the grated vegetables and dressing in a serving bowl. Toss until completely combined. Season with salt and pepper and toss again. Serve at once.

Enjoy!

70 calories and 3,5g fat per serving.

Underweight

Good morning.

Today is a good day!!! I. Have. Underweight!!!!! I'm at 51,1kg. What means: I've a BMI of 18,3!!!!! =D cooooooool :) First aim reached! 3kg more and I'm the happiest human alive (2,5kg more and I've Anorexia BMI).

But I'll show you 2 photos. I took them today in the morning. There you can see that I'm really NOT thin with 51,1kg! :(

Recipe comes later. But now have a look on my body :(

hey there,

it's 8.30 pm in Germany now and I ate 380 calories today. Yesterday I ate nearly 600!!! :( Hope that was a litte speed-up for my metabolism.

I've my bikini here now. And my walking shoes. Ah, and my bicycle ^^ so sports can start. :)
I will go swimming on tuesday and on friday.

I don't know my weight today cuz I slept at my brothers. But tomorrow I will let you know the actual weight.
And I will post the next recipe tomorrow (it will be completely vegan).

Good night! =)

I only lost 100g from yesterday to today!!! what the fuck? :( i'm so depressed!!! that's not fair anyway... :( 51.6kg
my aim was 51.2kg on monday. keep your fingers crossed for me.

tomorrow i will not write any recipe cuz i'm on tour but on sunday comes the next on.

the recipe for today is called:

PINEAPPLE CRUSH!
(recipe for 4 persons!!!)

ingredients:
*1/2 small pineapple (ca. 225g without paring)
*2-3 teaspoons maple sirup
*150ml orange juice
*2 teaspoons powdered ginger
*300ml ginger ale or mineral water

1. peel the pineapple, cut the flesh in pieces. do it in the mixer and puree it for 1 minute. stirr maple sirup and orange juice and puree again.

2. add the ginger powder and mix it shortly. fill 4 big glasses with crushed ice and pour the juice in it. fill it with ginger ale or mineral water.

-> 52 cal per 300ml!!!

Today I've had 51,7kg. That's good. Until now I ate 315 calories. Think that will be everything (I will just eat jelly with 36 cal today, so I will have 351 cal).

Some tips:
- eat calcium and vitamin c for your teeth
- eat magnesium for your muscles
- eat potassium for your heart

@tin - thanks for your comment. unfortunately if i try to answer as comment it doesn't appear. so i write it in the blog posting :) i'm 25 years old and 1,67m high. you can see it at former posts and in the competition where i'm taking part! ;)


---


New recipe today :)

*Apple-Raspberry-Dessert*
(for 4 persons)

ingredients:
*450g apples, peeled, without seeds and cutted in pieces
*1 tablespoon honey
*1 teaspoon cinnamon
*2-3 tablespoons water
*300g low fat yogurt
*140g raspberries

1. do apples, honey, cinnamon and water in a pot and heat it slowly. let it simmer for 12-15 minutes while stirring (until the apples are smooth). let it cool down.

2. do the yogurt in a big pot and stir the apple puree in it. fold in the raspberries.
share it in 4 bowls and do it at least for 1 hour in the fridge.

-> 96 cal per serving.

enjoy!!!

good evening

ate 485 cal today.

My favorite recipe: JellO/Jelly with Sweetener. 7,5cal per 100g! =D

Have another recipe for you:

*Baked eggs with tomato-salsa*

- BE CAREFUL, THE RECIPE IS FOR 4 PERSONS!!! DIVIDE THROUGH 4 FOR 1 PERSON -

for the salsa:
*2 ripe tomatoes, finely chopped
*3 spring onions, finely chopped
*2-3cm cucumber, finely chopped
*tabasco (as much as you like)
*1 tablespoon chopped coriander

for the eggs:
*olive oil
*4 eggs
*pepper

1. preheat the oven on 180°C. For the salsa stir tomatoes, spring onions, cucumber and tabasco in a small pot.

2. grease 4 cups with olive oil and give 1 spoon of salsa in each. Give one egg in each cup carefully.
fill a casserole one-third with water and place the cups in it (no water in the cups!!). flavor the eggs with pepper.
give everything in the oven.

3. bake the eggs for 8-12 minutes. then warm up the rest of the salsa in the pot. stir the coriander. give the warm salsa on top of the eggs in the cups.

eat it with spoons out of the cups :)

-> 93 cals per serving!

Ana Recipes

* Vegetables, Tofu and Rice *

* 100g Tofu (105 cal)
* 100g Champignons (25 cal)
* 100g Zucchini (16 cal)
* 20g Rice (unboiled) (70 cal)
* 1 Tablespoon oil (90 cal)

-> Boil the rice. Then all together in a pan. Salt + Pepper. Very delicious. 300 calories!



* Ana Pizza *

* 50g wholemeal flour (150 cal)
* Water (0 cal)
* 1 Package of dry yeast (25 cal)
* Salt (0 cal)
* 100g Light cream cheese (66 cal)
* 50g Ruccola salad (12 cal)
* 1 Tomato (20 cal)
* 1 Tablespoon tomato puree (12 cal)

-> mix a dough with flour, water, yeast and salt (maybe other spices, what you like).
Let it raise in a warm place.
Then roll the dough, put the tomato puree on it. Then the cream cheese. Do spices on it, then ruccola and after that the tomato in slices.

Time and heat varies.

-> 285 calories.

lost anyway

Good morning.

Yesterday I made rice with veggie burger and champignons. I was so hungry. Today on my scales I was really wondering cuz I lost 200g anyway.
Now I'm at 52,0kg. (On my old scales it would be 50,8 *cry*)

Just 3,1kg more and I see the 48 on my scales... Wonderful. :)

I will eat 200-300 calories and the other day 400-600 calories. i think that's good for speeding up metabolism! :)

new plan cuz of new scales

Because my scales are not working at home and I've new scales, I need a new plan.

So, my scales at home showed 1,2kg less than reality... On my scales at home I'm 51kg right now, like my plan was... But now, my new scales show 52,2kg. So I need a new plan... You see.

Monday, January 25 - 51,2kg
Monday, February 1 - 50,5kg
Monday, February 8 - 50,0kg

- holiday from 2/10 - 2/21 -

Monday, February 22 - 50,0kg
Monday, March 1 - 49kg
Monday, March 8 - 48,5kg
Monday, March 15 - !48kg!

Yesterday I ate 180 calories and today i've fucking diarrhoe (like the devil's in me) without laxatives. I don't know why, but because of being a good ana, of course.. i welcome it!

I've 52,2kg today and I'm so glad to know that on my old scales it would be 51kg! :)

I'm cold, I've bruises on my knees and on my spine. I'm happy bout that! That's so cool, hurting knees at night. :)

Just 4kg more and I've reached my aim!!!

12 hours sports...

I moved today. And my new flat is ready... 12 packing cases, two book cases (bolted down on the ceiling), a commode, a wardrobe, a couch, a coffee table,... and the flat is ready! I unloaded each packing case... I'm dead! But it was 12 hours sports! ;) And I ate 200 calories only! Very good! =)

Love you

*sikia njaa from her new flat!

WEIGHT LOSS COMPETITION! - Participants! -

Here I will write down the participants. On sunday I'll write down the current weight and the ambitions!

WHO WILL LOSE THE MOST FROM MONDAY TO MONDAY????

STARTS JANUARY 18! ENDS JANUARY 25!

Write me if you want to join!

PLEASE SEND ME A PRIVATE MESSAGE (!!!) ON MONDAY, JANUARY 25, WITH YOUR NEW WEIGHT!!! NOT IN THE PRO ANA GROUP BUT VIA PM!

- Hanna -> 5'5", 108,9 lbs
- Catrine -> 5'5", 115,9 lbs
- Michael -> 5'2", 95 lbs
- Terri -> 5'7", 143 lbs
- Alina -> 5'6", 108 lbs
- Amanda -> 5'6", 186 lbs
- Honnie -> 5'2", 118 lbs
- Sierra -> 5'7", 156 lbs
- Audrey -> 5'6", 123lbs

FROM SUNDAY TO MONDAY NO LAXATIVES!

*stagnation*

My weight is stagnating and I don't know why... I'm so despaired... :'(
I weigh 52,5kg now (fucking new scale ruins my life).

If there is no weight loss until monday, I'll start exercising. Fuck you, body! I'll get ya.

cold in here

My heater is working again. It didn't work last night and I was so fucking cold!

Today I ate 620 calories (BINGED!) and feel overeaten and fat. ;(

I WANNA WEIGH 48 KG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :....(

3,8 kg...

* I'D RATHER BE DEAD THAN FAT *
* BECAUSE THE MIRROR HURTS MORE THAN STARVIN *
* STAY STRONG - STARVE ON *

___

I can’t laugh to hard I’m on a diet
I’m trying to lose myself
You ought to try it
Just starve for 6 days straight
Oh it’s a riot
Every Sunday night

I binch and I barve cause I carry the scars of an eight-year-old
Who’s mother applied the same rules to a kids body
As her own

I think you’ll leave me soon
Though I’ve no proof of it
But I’ll make it easier for you
By being a little bitch
And this is just the fear
But I think the reason
Why I’m scared you broke is

The only male influence I’ve had
After daddy up and left
Were my mother’s weekend lovers and
Their alcoholic breaths

I’ll tell u what caused it
If u handle the effects (the effects 2x)
Yes I’ll tell u what caused it
If u handle the effects (the effects 2x)
I’ll tell u what caused it
If u handle the effects
Yes I’ll tell u what caused it
If u handle the effects

I can’t laugh to hard I’m on a diet
I’m trying to lose myself
You ought to try it
Just starve for 6 days straight Oh it’s a riot
Every Sunday night

(Maria Mena - cause and effect)

Back!

Here I am again.

1. My facebook account is reactivated.
2. My scale at home told me lies! :(

I've a new scale now (I moved in a new flat and was at Ikea and there I bought a new scale).

Yesterday in the morning on my OLD scale I weighed 51,5kg.
I JUST ate ONE fucking salad without sauce, ONE small gingerbread and drank ONE coffee with milk!!! I ate fucking 180 calories yesterday.

And now I stood on my new scale and weigh 51,8kg. That means that my old scale told me lies... Cuz it's not possible to GAIN 300g if you eat fucking 180 calories!!!

Okay... I'm depressed now... But okay... I have to manage it...
Next weekend is my aim: 51,5kg max.

Chin up, baby, chin up...

DELETED FROM FACEBOOK

Girls!!! I was deleted from facebook!!!!!!! ;( Cuz I was an admin in the PRO ANA! board! fuck! Where are you? Anyone reading here? I need support! Without facebook I don't have any support!

Ate a yogurt... Cuz of frustration! :(

Calories today = 165.

♥

In the morning I've had 51,7kg. Cool, eh? Wanna lose another 200g until tomorrow or Wednesday!
Then I'll have an official underweight BMI. 18.47!
The official Anorexia BMI waits at 48,7kg. BMI = 17.46 (you have to be under 17.5)
That means: Another 3 kg. Ridiculous!

Today I've had 300ml of soup (I measured it). 100ml have 35 calories, so I ate 105 calories today.

I hope that I'll have 51,5kg tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

♥ KISSES! :*

Hey!

My brother cooked for me :/ So I've had 500-600 calories today!
Looking forward to my own flat... Just 2 days left.

When I'm in my flat I'll start fasting... *grrr*

Kisses

*stupid girl*

*argh* i'm so stupid.
First time on the scale: 51,9kg.
Stood again on the scale: 52,1kg.
I tried it four times, but always 52,1kg! Stupid me, stupid scale!!!

I'm so fat! I've horrible saddle bags and love handles. Who wants to come and destroy them? :.(

But my plan, to have 51,9kg in 3days, will work, I think! No Problem.
But I'm going to see a friend in 2-3 days, I've not seen him for 3 weeks (54kg, when I saw him last time). So actually I wanna have 51,5kg when I see him. Difficult!

Write again in the evening!
Kisses to all!

welcome in the weekend

Hey guys,

today wasn't a good day but not because of eating. There happened some bad things in my life *argh*. It's the money... Always. Fucking money!

Okay but that's not what you are interested in, right? ;)

My Ana day was excellent. Here the list:

*1/4 pumpkin seed roll with jam = 90 calories (1g fat)
*vegetable ravioli = 200 calories (2g fat)
*1 low fat yogurt = 65 calories (0,1g fat)

-> 355 calories, 3,1g fat total.

I think eating between 300 and 500 calories is perfect. You don't eat too much but you are not really hungry.

My basal metabolic rate is about 1300 - 1400 calories, so I'm saving 800-1100 calories per day. Perfect.

S-Shopping

I've been shopping in size S! Clothes in S!!! Can you believe that?! It was so great, although I looked so fat in the mirror of the store... But: S!!!

At the shooting I thought that fitting in S is due to the label... But now I'm assure! So cool, guys! I actually tried a dress in XS, cause there was no more in S. I fitted in. It was very close and I didn't buy it cuz it didn't fit really... But I came in and out without problems! It was mainly close at my arms. But hey, I wore an XS dress! Indeed for one minute, but I wore it! ;)

Today I ate a plateful rice with vegetables and sauce. I estimate that it has had about 300-350 calories. That was my food for today! :)

Gained!!!

Good morning,

I binged last night. Think all in all I've had 1000 calories yesterday :/

So I gained 100g and the scale showed me 52,4kg today in the morning.
Didn't I say in Facebook that I wanna see something under 52kg at the weekend?! Impossible! :(

Next week I wanna have under 52kg, that's certain!
Got a message from a friend in Facebook "Oh wow, you lost much weight, I think! You look so pretty!" <- yes, I do. Everyone, who's fitting in size S, looks pretty, right?

Something funny:
2 friends (independently of each other) said, they are a little bit worried about me. One said, he thinks I'll relapse in Anorexia.

Both of them I told "everything is okay, don't worry bout me! everything is cool, I just wanna lose another 4kg." (think about it! thats 48kg! Thats absolutely underweight, that's under the official Anorexia BMI!)

BOTH of them said: "Ah ok, so it puts my mind at rest to know that."

*haha* Great! Just good that my mum isn't in Germany. Cause if I would tell HER "Oh, hey mum, don't worry, I just wanna weigh 48kg", she would directly call my ex-psychologist!

Life is great, guys! Nobody controls me. I've learned in my life, that the only problem are the people around you. I remember my mum sitting in the rest room crying! That was SO hard! I began to eat, cuz I couldn't bear it to see her in that condition.

But hey, nobody really worries bout me now. Yesterday another friend said, that I'm fat! Uuuh, didn't know my past, eh?

I'll write again in the evening!

KISSES TO ALL!!! STAY STRONG EVERYBODY!

What a fuck Oo

Okay, today I saw stars again, had 2 blackouts, so I decided to eat.
I ate:

- noodles with sauce = ca. 350 calories
- 17g chocolate = 96 calories
- low fat yogurt = 59 calories

all in all: 505 calories.

Tomorrow I will reduce my calorie consumption again.

A friend of mine has seen my photos and wrote me in icq: "O fuck, you became so thin! How much did you lose?" :) Last time I've seen her was in August, I think! In August I've had 56kg and she also said, I've had lost weight. In May/June I've had 58kg or something like this. Now I've nearly 52... Just 6kg... Where's the problem? That's not much!

She will be wondering if she sees me in March, when I will have 48kg ^^... :D

I believe I can't fly

Good morning guys and Anas :)

I weigh 52,3kg today. That's okay and yesterday I didn't fall asleep hungry. Before I went to bed I had a muesli with low fat milk. Today I'm a little bit hungry again, but I don't know, what to eat. Maybe a soup later.

In my facebook profile you can find photos of my shooting yesterday.

I'll get in touch later.

2.30pm -> I am UGLY and FAT FAT FAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've fucking saddle bags and fucking love handles!!!!

2.40pm -> My new plan:

Wednesday, 13.1.10 -> 51,9kg
Wednesday, 20.1.10 -> 51kg
Wednesday, 27.1.10 -> 50,2kg
Wednesday, 3.2.10 -> 50kg
Wednesday, 10.2.10 -> 49,5kg
-> holidays from 10.2. - 21.2. <-
Wednesday, 24.2.10 -> 49,5kg
Wednesday, 3.3.10 -> 49kg
Wednesday, 10.3.10 -> 48kg!

shot!

I've been at the photo shooting today. It was great, but now, I am so tired!
This morning I've had 52,4 or 52,5kg. That's okay and I didn't fit in size M as planned but I fitted in S! Great feeling, guys! Just ONE M piece of clothing did fit perfect, the rest was definitely oversized! ;)

Today I've eaten about 300 calories.

Enclosed a photo of the shooting where you can see my fat belly... :/

Hey guys!

I think it works. Yesterday I had a small binge, so I ate 800-1000 calories. It's no big binge, but it IS a binge for me.
I gained 100gramms from yesterday till today (today in the morning was 52,8kg). It's not much... thanks god! But stagnancy is like gaining weight... :(

Today was really good. I just ate 300 calories (noodles with spinach, little bit cream in it).
At the moment I'm waiting for the laxatives taking effect.

-> Laxatives because I've a photo shooting tomorrow in the morning. It's for clothes, so I HAVE to be THIN! Definitely!

I hope that I'll have something like 52,5kg tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

*good morning*

52,7kg = 116.18lbs
the bmi passed the boarder of 19!

now: 18,89! it's underweight when i lose another 1200g. under 18,5 is the underweight bmi! ^^ cool!

Today's plan is drinking 3 litres of water and eating... mh... bean salad and yogurt? i'll tell!

Today's results

*Calories: 450
*Litres of water: 2 (working on)
*Black outs: 1
*Blackout duration: 20 seconds
*Kilos: 53
*Motivation: high!
*Mood: ordinary

go for it

Hey guys,

I slept as long as possible today, cause I thought the longer I'm lying in my bed the later it is possible to eat! It's 1pm right now in Germany, I'm sitting here, have a cigarette for breakfast and think about my food today. Maybe some low fat yogurt and a soup would be great.
My brother is back from New Years Eve holidays, so I can't take some laxatives for 2 weeks. But in 2 weeks I will move in my own flat. My home is my castle, so I can do whatever I want.

Have a great sunday!

PS: 53kg today.

baby binge

Well, I didn't "played it save"...

I ate another 140 calories. I wrote an email to a good friend of mine and while writing I saw stars for two times. I wrote about my struggling with the eating disorder. About relapsing... After writing I had the need to eat something. So I ate some asparagus and another low fat yogurt.

Now I've had ~500 calories today. That's okay, cuz I just want to lose 6kg until April 1st. My shooting is on wednesday, there's enough time to reach the 52kg for me. It's just another ONE kilo! And 10 years ago I've been a perfect anorexic. I know how to lose weight fast...

Good night, sleep well!

sikianjaa goes shopping

I've been in the supermarket today and had a typical eating disordered shopping in my cart.

- packet soups without end (all of them low fat, of course!)
- 10 low fat yogurts
- canned beans (for bean salad, it's fat free and nearly no calories)
- asparagus in the glass (fat free and so little calories)
- 0,5% fat milk (3 litres of it, proteins for my muscles, you see...)

And my consumption today especially for you:

- 1 low fat yogurt (all in all 86 calories and 0,2g fat)
- 500ml of low fat soup (176 calories and 3,6g fat)
- apple juice with mineral water (100calories and 0g fat)

total amount: 362 calories, 3,8g fat.


What do you think? mh... 362 calories are not few, eh? But I'm really filled up and now I played it save, that I will not eat anymore today! ;)
And 500ml soup is 500ml water. Water is always good. Isn't it?
Okay okay,... I grant you that the apple juice was needless! :/

Please say something.

Okay, I'll switch to english right now

I think it's better to write in english, so everybody can read my blog.

A short summary of the former entries:
On 31.12. I have had 54kg (119lbs), so I decided that I want to have 48kg (105,8lbs) not later than on April 1st! So that's my ambition, you see.

Today I stood on the scale and I had to assert that I am on 53,2kg (117lbs) now.... to my surprise, cuz I've got my periods right now! Yesterday I only ate one apple and 50 calories of spinach. So with the mints I ate I have had just 120 calories max. That's good.

Later I will go to the supermarket and buy some yogurt. That will be my meal today. Maybe with some fruits in it.

Have a nice weekend!

That's me in 1998 or 1999. With just 39kg (85,9lbs):

Oh Hilfe

HELP!

I didn't eat much food yesterday (it was raclette and I just ate it with vegetables and 1,5 slices of mozzarella cheese and then curd cheese for dessert (it was with cream! :( )).
But sooo much alcohol I don't remember yet what I've drunk!