Hej

Today I've had breakfast (1 toast with jam) for speeding up my metabolism. I hate it to eat in the morning... Then I'm always feeling fat all day long.

My lunch was spinach, red cabbage and egg white. AND a little bit oil after I read that oil is necessary for weight loss! *haha* :)

Dinner were an apple and a fat free yoghurt, so I've had 370 calories today, that's okay I guess!

The "yoghurt celebration" (125g) lasted 30 minutes. Always dipping the teaspoon in the cup, then letting the yoghurt drain until there's only a thin film left. Drinking tea between every bite. NEVER shove the spoon into your mouth completely! JUST lick it up! ;)


Sometimes I'm thinking that I eat too much for an ana... What do u think? Okay, I'm losing weight anyway and my metabolism isn't slowed down too much. Maybe that's a reason to keep my way. Eating ca. 400 calories a day and 1-2 refeed days with 600-800 calories per week.

PS: Thanks Asha for your comment on the former posting. Maybe I'm not the only one who collects parents...?

Hej, my Anas.

I've been bicycling today. 110 minutes! :) I guess I burned something about 500 calories!

Today the sun is shining, it's warm here (12°C = 54°F). The sky is blue and the air very fresh and springlike :D
Okay, I thought I would die while cycling... But hey! 500 calories!!! When I came home I ate a cereal bar (70cal) and a small apple (50cal).
___

Edit 8pm: Ate 390 cal today. I need 1600 calories a day. I burned 500 by cycling. So I would have needed 2100 calories today. It's a minus of 1710 calories. That are 25% of ONE kilo fat (to burn 1kg fat you need to save 7000 calories).
___

It was so good, that my friend came around yesterday!!! I don't regret that I called him

But I'm a little bit worried bout him. He seemed not happy yesterday and I KNOW that there's something in his life going wrong! =( That makes me sad. I wanna see him happy. Not pensive and so on... =(

PS: Related to some PMs in Facebook: NO, I didn't fall in love with that friend... Okay, I love him. I love him very much... He is something like the leader of the family in my heart at the moment. But I love him like a friend, I love him like a daddy. Like a daddy I've never had! Yes, I would die for him, yes I would! But I'm not interested in any love attachment with him. Absolutely not! My dears... this man is nearly 40 years older than me! :D

Edit: Okay... I told a little lie. Yes, I love him like a good friend, like a daddy and i'm not sure... maybe a little bit like a lover. But anyway: I'm NOT interested in any love attachment! I want to keep the relationship like it is! That's the reason why I'll NEVER tell him the truth! ;)

Thanks Asha for your wonderful comment!!! *sigh*

Today I broke down, cut myself, cried. I couldn't help but calling a friend and asking for help. He came after 15 minutes. Hugged me. Talked to me. And ... listened to me! He has been here for 1,5 hours. Not long cuz he has a great deal to do. But it was so great that he was here. Now I'm alone again but feel much better than before. Although it gnaws at my conscience that I called him and asked him to come... :/
I'm not feeling like I'm worth it. But it's okay. My mood is better. I'm not as sad as before.

Now I'll go into my kitchen and eat something. Hey, I've 48kg... That was my aim for the middle of march! Why the hell shouldn't I EAT something today???? :)

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! I started weighing myself again. Before I went on holidays I've had 49,5 I think... Then I was eating 800-1500 cal a day for more than a week... Last sunday maybe 2000!

I weighed myself today... Fearing for weight gain (I thought I'd have 51kg).

BUT:


!!!!! 48 !!!!!

I weigh 48 kg!!!! = 105,6 lbs!!!

BMI = 17,2!!!!

(Anorexia from a medical point of view: less than 17,5!) CONGRATS!

Edit (3 hours later): In the first or second week of my weightloss I wrote you I'd be the happiest human alive when I reach my aim of 48kg... But hey... I am NOT the happiest human alive! I've been the happiest human alive for 10 minutes... Now I'm feelin sad like before.

Okay, nobody has an idea but thanks for your private messages in Facebook. Mh... It doesn't matter why Ana came back. She IS back and that's a big problem...

I'm sitting here in my flat, didn't open the roller shutter today... Only a handful candles light my way.

I'm slipping away from the rest of the world. It's just me, hunger, cigarettes, candles and music. I'm not answering my phone. My celly is out of action. I've cigarettes for the next 3 days. I'm not going to leave my flat...

Sometimes I'm sitting in front of my toilet, chewing candies and sweets, chewing pancakes, chocolate and stuff... Chewing with tears in my eyes, spitting out every bite in the toilet... Crying because of the taste of the food, crying because of flushing it. Crying because of being ME.

After that I'm speculating how many calories have been swallowed accidentally.
Then I'm feeling undisciplined. Feeling like a pig. Feeling fat because of the taste in my mouth. I'm rinsing my mouth with water. I'm lighting a cigarette. I'm staring into space. I'm crying.

In absolutely no way I want someone ringing my doorbell. But there is no bigger wish than someone ringing my doorbell... Coming in. Drying my tears. Listening to me. Hugging me.

:(

Thanks for ur comments, u're so right, huns... :(

Here a song which I wrote and sang. Its very badly sung, but maybe u like it anyway...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDcG8NEMzlc

Last night I couldn't sleep. I stood up at 2am and made hot milk with honey (100 cal which I've to deduct from today's cal ration).
The milk didn't get results... Wasted!


My food today (was 600 cal day):

Breakfast:
- 2 cups of coffee (40)
- sugarfree jellO with vanilla sauce (60)

Lunch:
- 2 diet pills
- mixed vegetables (170)
- fatfree yogurt (70)

Dinner:
- 2 diet pills
- fatfree cereal bar (70)
- jellO with sauce (60)

470 cal

Although I ate much more in my holidays it was very difficult to reach the 600...

Tomorrow will be 400 cal day again, I think 400 is perfect. You aren't very hungry when u go to bed but also not feelin like a feeding pig.

Last night - when I wasn't able to sleep - I thought about my ED. I was anorexic at the age of 14-17. Then I was in recovery for 4 years (out-patient treatment).
Diagnosis: I never got love from my dad. He wasn't interested in ME but in my school achievement. He didn't care bout my anorexia... He didn't care bout anything.

The years after I've had very small relapses. Just losing 2-3kg... I've always had a weight between 51 and 58kg.

I'm wondering why my ana came back all of sudden. I was thinking about the incidents before my ana came back.

My boyfriend left me in July, that was really shocking for me. I've been crying for weeks.
In August my lovely cat (she was something very special) died by accident with a harvester...
Then I started my internship at school. I ate very normal. I ate candies, sweets, I ate the food in the cafeteria. As they all did.
But I reduced it from day to day, not thinking about what I'm doing. I realized - of course - that I'm losing weight and was glad about that fact. But not very exerted to lose weight.

Then I remember a day, when I met a friend (which I know from school, it's a collegue) in a bar. There was a menu with pancakes. You've to know that I LOVE pancakes. I could eat them all day long. He asked me if I want to have one... I refused. Although I've been hungry.

That's the first day I remember when I really thought bout losing weight. When I thought "don't eat, you'll get fat like a pig!" when I thought "food is from hell! think about all the fat in the pancake, don't eat it!!!"

I weighed 52,5kg when my mum arrived in November. She was a little bit shocked cuz I lost 3 kgs in 2 months. What's not much, of course. But remember: My mum knows about my past.
I gained 2,5kg during her stay in Germany (until New Years Eve). But when she left I decided to join the PRO ANA group in Facebook, I decided to lose weight again, I decided to starve, maybe I decided to die.

I lost 6kg in 6 weeks. Only the days, when I spoke to my friend (the one I met in the bar) I was able to eat more. I always wrote emails to him, I wrote text messages, I asked for meeting... But he has his own problems atm and the more he withdrew from me the more I starved.
I don't know the reason for that behaviour. All I want to do is talking to him. But I don't want to do that while he has his own problems...

I don't understand that. Has anyone an idea why Ana came back for destroying my life? Looking forward to your comments.

Good morning my anas.
My belly looks normally again. Thanks to laxatives... *phew*
Today was my 400 cal day.

Breakfast: 2 diet pills, coffee with milk = 20 cal

Lunch: Ana-Pizza (kind of pita bread with cream cheese, tomato sauce, vegetables and low fat cheese) = 180 cal



Afternoon: coffee with milk and vanilla sugar = 30 cal, diet cereal bar = 70 cal

Dinner: 2 diet pills, spinach with champignons and cream cheese = 100 cal

-> 400 cal


Today when I looked at myself in the mirror, I liked my body for a short moment. That was cool. I'm curious about seeing my weight on the scales in a few days. But I'm not ready yet... cuz I'm really afraid of the numbers...

I'm so sad... What will get better after losing another 5kg??? I WILL NOT BE HAPPY! I will not be happier with 45kg... I will never be happy. What is the reason for doing that shit??? I don't know!
I'm alone... I need someone who hugs me. Now!!! The lights go out all around me, one last candle to keep out the night... and then the darkness surrounds me, I know I'm alive but I feel like I died. And all that's left is to accept that it's over... my dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made... I try to keep warm but I just grow colder, I feel like I'm slipping away...

I need my mommy and my daddy... I need a stuffed animal and my mommy baking cookies and bringing me a hot chocolate... ;(

HUMANS!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN A LITTLE GIRL JUST NEEDS A FUCKING SNIPPY HUG?????????

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT!!!



That's my arm. I took the picture yesterday... ;( *cry* WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN ON HERE???

where.
are.
my.
friends?

i.
need.
someone.
to.
save.
my.
life.

help.
help.
help.
help.
help.
help.
help.
help.
help.
help.
help.
help.
help.

help me.

My arm looks very skinny at this picture... but only on the picture. in reality it's very fat!!! :(

Good day. Well done. I'm back in my ana life.
It's 6pm now in Germany but I'll post now, so it's not possible to eat again!!! Once posted, you aren't allowed to change your daily results... ;)

Ate:

* 4 diet pills
* laxatives
* 2 cups of coffee with little milk
* 1 plate full of vegetables
* 1 litre chocolate tea (with little vanilla sugar)
* 3 litres of water

Chewed the rest of my swedish cakes but spit it out in the toilet! :) Didn't swallow that fucking stuff!

-> ca. 190 calories.

Did 25 minutes exercising (100 crunches, 100 exercises for each leg, dancing and rope skipping).

Hey Ana ♥, I missed you!!! ♥

Tomorrow I'm allowed to eat 400 calories. Looking forward :)

How are you, my skinny friends?

hey i'm back at home.
I guess that I gained 2kg on my holidays. So I will not use my scales before next monday.
Yesterday I took some laxatives.
So my day started with breakfast:
* 2 diet pills, coffee with milk (40cal) and laxatives in much water (the last one while sitting on the toilet because of the effect of the laxatives from yesterday).

My aim are 50kg next monday. :(

PS: I started the 2-4-6-4-2 diet today (today 200cal, tomorrow 400, then 600, then 400, 200,400,600,400,200...)

hey... my life sucks. i haven*t been on the toilet since 9 fucking days!!!! i look like i*m pregnant!! :( i*ve eaten so much food the last days. things like fancy cakes and stuff... :( i feel like i*ve gained 5kg during my holidays.
do u think i*ll lose them fast after coming back to germany on sunday? :( i*m so depressed. i could cry all the day. =(
the only positive thing is that i*ve been walking around very much. yesterday i did a walk through the swedish winter wonderland (i also climbed a hill) lasting 3 hours!

but i*m afraid of using my scales at home... the first thing i*m going to do when i*ll arrive on sunday at 6pm is drinking a bottle of laxatives. HELP ME!!!!!!!!

hey there
thanks asha for your posting.
i love sweden and i love my host. but i*m eating all day long... :( i*ve to fast when i*ll arrive in germany on sunday... but i*ll make it. i made it the last 4 weeks so i*ll make it again.

i miss u.

Hey there

after 3-4 days of eating like a pig (i*m really glad that there is no scales here) i ate something bout 450 calories today. There*s enough time until monday to reach my 49kg again I hope.
My host has been asking me if I*m on a diet. I said "yes, i think i gained bout 200 kg in the last 4 days". He answered "no, you*re skinny"... am i??? not sure anymore. :( feeling really fat cuz i*ve been eating things with cream! cake and that horrible stuff. but it was so tasty... *sigh*

i really miss u!!!! <3

sikia njaa

hey my little anas

i*m in a little town called åkersberga. u can look it up in google maps. it*s still really cool in sweden but i*m not able to eat like in germany :( every second day i*ve something over 800cal... :( today it was ca. 500 cal... :(
but i*ve 1 week more to regulate my weight so i hope that i will not gain too much. there is no scales here where i am. i*m at a smart young guy but of course boys don*t have scales... :( i miss u so much. i miss my ana life... :( looking forward to be at home, to go on my scales and to count calories all the day. hope u do well. i love u

cat*

hey there
i send you lovely greetings from sweden.
it's wonderful here, but very cold. in spite of wearing 3 trousers, i am so fucking cold.
eating is okay. wednesday: 300 cal
thursday: 1000 cal (cuz of cooking for the host)
friday: 350 cal

today i ate a roll for breakfast and have another roll (its a small one) for lunch and dinner in my bag...

i miss you so much! and i miss my SCALES!!!!!!!!

hope you all are doing well!!!

stay strong!!! :*

I had to eat 2 muffins today to show my family that I've no problems with eating. I could cry... Cuz I ate a low fat yogurt BEFORE!!! I think I've had bout 600 cal :(

My aunt gave me vitamin and mineral pills cuz she was shocked when she saw me... 4kg since I've seen her 3 weeks ago.

Tomorrow I'll stand up at 4.30am and my flight will depart at 9.45am. I'll post in my blog again as soon as possible.

I love you all. Please stay strong!!!

I'm bursting at the seams.
Ate 400-450 cal and drank more than 5 (FIVE) litres of water!!! I was so thirsty, couldn't stop drinking all the time.
I feel like a balloon! :D

Tomorrow I'll drive home to my brother. I will depart at 9:45am on wednesday... So I don't know when it will be possible to write again. But I'm sure that I'll be able to write some short postings every few days.

I told my friend that I feel NOT like discussing bout eating or not eating all the day in the holidays. And that she has to let me handle like I feel. She agreed!!!

So I'm hoping that it will be possible NOT to gain any weight in Sweden but maybe LOSE!

I love you all!

Lovely, the balloon! :)

Hey there!

I survived the birthday party.
I ate one piece of marble cake and two pieces of pizza. I said that I'm invited to another birthday party in the evening and that I don't want to eat too much cuz the friend (of the imaginary birthday party) will cook.

So I think I've something bout 600 cal? Don't know. I'm only able to calculate if I know all ingredients...
Doesn't matter.

But the greatest thing on the birthday party were the comments of my relatives!

1. "Oh fuck, you had become SO thin!!!"
2. "You are so skinny!"
3. "Why did you lose so much weight? And how did you MAKE that in that fucking short time???"

:) Every time I stood up of my chair and walked through the room, every body was following me with the eyes, scanning my body from top to bottom.

GREAT FEELING!

_

A love affair with food

I love feeling hungry
I love the taste of food
I love seeing tv cookery shows
I love flicking through cooking books
I love watching pictures of food
I love if someone tells me how thin I had become

I hate the feeling after I ate
I hate if someone asks me if I've problems
But... my biggest wish would be that everyone would see that I HAVE a problem
...my biggest wish would be that there would be someone who would just hug me...

I wish there would be
ANYONE OUTSIDE WHO WOULD JUST LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey my anas ♥

I'm afraid of two things.
First: My grandpa will celebrate his 82. birthday tomorrow. I'm invited to kaffee klatsch :) and dinner. My whole family knows that I've been in recovery for 5 years (it's 4 years ago). It's no option to act like a freakin anorexic. Thanks to Sierra and Asha for the tips. I will eat a piece of cake in the afternoon and maybe some vegetables in the evening. I'm afraid... I will let you know what I've done.

The second thing is my holiday in Sweden. I'll depart on wednesday. But a friend will come with me and she knows ALSO that I've been anorexic for a long time and first of all she knows that I'm going to be one again! I will stay 11 days with a girl who knows about everything... I don't know how to react. And there will be no scales. And no internet! I hope that I'll find some possibility to go on the internet and tell you what's goin on.

Today I've been 49,6kg (109 lbs) and ate something bout 400cal. That's okay. Tomorrow will be the great "grandpa's birthday refeed day". I'll not weigh myself on monday.

I'll miss you like hell when I'm in Sweden. Don't feel like going on holiday since I'm ana again.

I'll miss my real friends. Don't have many GOOD friends (I don't like people) but I'll miss the handful of friends I have. I've a friend who's a very attentive listener. He's older than my dad but that's what makes him so formidable. He's the only person - I met in 25 years - I can talk to about my anorexic story. I've not even been talking to my psychotherapist... Sometimes when I'm talking bout this fucking shit happened in my life (rape, eating disorders, aborts, cutting and much more) I hear myself speaking and don't even believe myself cuz it sounds so absurd. But I've the sense that HE does! That makes me so happy.
I'll miss him. I'll miss you. I'll miss everything.

I'm sad.

But: I ♥ you all!!!!!!!!!

yours
cat

Hey!

Gained 200g but that's okay. :) I'm still under 50kg!

Made cool food today.

ingredients:
- 2 egg whites (17 cal)
- 130g mixed vegetables (ca. 44 cal)
- ketchup

Heat the vegetables in the pan (with cooking spray or nothing). Spice it with salt, pepper and paprika powder.
Do the vegetables on a plate.
Heat the two egg whites like scrambled eggs and spice them.

You can eat it with ketchup or what you like. Without sauce/ketchup it has about 61 cal, with a blob of ketchup something bout 70-80 cal.

BMI: 17.75

Good morning
altough I've been drinking 250ml of whitewine yesterday (drank it WITHOUT eating. I ate 200cal 6 hours before drinking wine) I lost 600g...

I WEIGH

49,5 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE 4!!!!! I haven't seen the four since EIGHT fucking years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 <3

PS: Asha, ♥ thanks a lot you are soooo cute! ♥♥♥

I'm sitting here, drinking coffee and chain-smoking cigarettes! ;)
Yesterday I took some laxatives and I'm glad to tell you that I lost weight again. After a plateau for 1 week (always 50,9 - 51,2kg) I'm at 50,1kg (110,22 lbs) today. It's not only cuz of the laxatives. Last time I took them I didn't lose anything regardless.
Now my BMI is 17,96. What means it is under 18 and it makes me so happy today. I'm jumping through my living room all the time! :)

2kg more for reaching my aim!
Since December 31 I lost 5kg! What means 5kg (11 lbs) in 34 days. It's great. I'm feeling so light and wonderful. Like a fairy... :)

On my old (broken) scales I would weigh 49kg today!!! :-O GREAT!!! :)

I'm looking forward for the 48kg (105,6 lbs)! :) Maybe I can recover my old plan by losing anything in my holidays. It's complicated cuz of the friend who will be with me... But I will try not to binge. Okay, I assume that I will gain some weight :/ But maybe the holiday will work like a great refeed! ;)

All my love!

Sikia njaa*

i have been at the gynecologist. my pill is just dosed too low. that's the whole secret of the bleeding.
and i haven't been on the scales today. was too afraid :( although i ate only 300 cal yesterday.

today i'm at 100 cal. but i will eat again in the afternoon (250-300 cal today). maybe i will have the courage standing on my scales tomorrow... :(

:(

I didn't lose anything from last monday to today :( 50,9kg today! don't know what to do.
Tomorrow I've an appointment at the gynecologist cuz of the bleeding. Maybe there will be an explanation and then I will lose weight again (maybe it's just water retention).

But I want to show you something great! The name of the great thing is "Kisura" what means "beautiful girl" in Kiswahili. It's a one year old german sheep dog mix, living on the streets in Greece. She will come to Germany in 4 weeks. It will be MY dog!!! She is reserved for me...