Okay, nobody has an idea but thanks for your private messages in Facebook. Mh... It doesn't matter why Ana came back. She IS back and that's a big problem...
I'm sitting here in my flat, didn't open the roller shutter today... Only a handful candles light my way.
I'm slipping away from the rest of the world. It's just me, hunger, cigarettes, candles and music. I'm not answering my phone. My celly is out of action. I've cigarettes for the next 3 days. I'm not going to leave my flat...
Sometimes I'm sitting in front of my toilet, chewing candies and sweets, chewing pancakes, chocolate and stuff... Chewing with tears in my eyes, spitting out every bite in the toilet... Crying because of the taste of the food, crying because of flushing it. Crying because of being ME.
After that I'm speculating how many calories have been swallowed accidentally.
Then I'm feeling undisciplined. Feeling like a pig. Feeling fat because of the taste in my mouth. I'm rinsing my mouth with water. I'm lighting a cigarette. I'm staring into space. I'm crying.
In absolutely no way I want someone ringing my doorbell. But there is no bigger wish than someone ringing my doorbell... Coming in. Drying my tears. Listening to me. Hugging me.
:(
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Hey hun, sorry I didn't comment on your last entry. I was feeling really antisocial until late last night, so I didn't even come online until after midnight my time. Your song is beatiful, and so is your voice, and so are you.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on reaching your goal of under 17.5 BMI. It's not that I'm happy you're doing this, but I know how good it feels to see the numbers go down, so just for the fact that you were happy about it, I'm happy for you, if that makes any sense.
But I'm so, so, sad about everything else. I know exactly how it feels to go through what you're going through, and if you *ever* need to talk, please send me a message. I don't want you to be so sad, and I don't want you to feel so alone.
You know how you said that when you read my status updates and notes, you can relate? That's exactly how I feel about your blog and your posts on L.A.A.F. It's like looking in a mirror sometimes.
(((hugs)))