Thanks for ur comments, u're so right, huns... :(

Here a song which I wrote and sang. Its very badly sung, but maybe u like it anyway...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDcG8NEMzlc

Last night I couldn't sleep. I stood up at 2am and made hot milk with honey (100 cal which I've to deduct from today's cal ration).
The milk didn't get results... Wasted!


My food today (was 600 cal day):

Breakfast:
- 2 cups of coffee (40)
- sugarfree jellO with vanilla sauce (60)

Lunch:
- 2 diet pills
- mixed vegetables (170)
- fatfree yogurt (70)

Dinner:
- 2 diet pills
- fatfree cereal bar (70)
- jellO with sauce (60)

470 cal

Although I ate much more in my holidays it was very difficult to reach the 600...

Tomorrow will be 400 cal day again, I think 400 is perfect. You aren't very hungry when u go to bed but also not feelin like a feeding pig.

Last night - when I wasn't able to sleep - I thought about my ED. I was anorexic at the age of 14-17. Then I was in recovery for 4 years (out-patient treatment).
Diagnosis: I never got love from my dad. He wasn't interested in ME but in my school achievement. He didn't care bout my anorexia... He didn't care bout anything.

The years after I've had very small relapses. Just losing 2-3kg... I've always had a weight between 51 and 58kg.

I'm wondering why my ana came back all of sudden. I was thinking about the incidents before my ana came back.

My boyfriend left me in July, that was really shocking for me. I've been crying for weeks.
In August my lovely cat (she was something very special) died by accident with a harvester...
Then I started my internship at school. I ate very normal. I ate candies, sweets, I ate the food in the cafeteria. As they all did.
But I reduced it from day to day, not thinking about what I'm doing. I realized - of course - that I'm losing weight and was glad about that fact. But not very exerted to lose weight.

Then I remember a day, when I met a friend (which I know from school, it's a collegue) in a bar. There was a menu with pancakes. You've to know that I LOVE pancakes. I could eat them all day long. He asked me if I want to have one... I refused. Although I've been hungry.

That's the first day I remember when I really thought bout losing weight. When I thought "don't eat, you'll get fat like a pig!" when I thought "food is from hell! think about all the fat in the pancake, don't eat it!!!"

I weighed 52,5kg when my mum arrived in November. She was a little bit shocked cuz I lost 3 kgs in 2 months. What's not much, of course. But remember: My mum knows about my past.
I gained 2,5kg during her stay in Germany (until New Years Eve). But when she left I decided to join the PRO ANA group in Facebook, I decided to lose weight again, I decided to starve, maybe I decided to die.

I lost 6kg in 6 weeks. Only the days, when I spoke to my friend (the one I met in the bar) I was able to eat more. I always wrote emails to him, I wrote text messages, I asked for meeting... But he has his own problems atm and the more he withdrew from me the more I starved.
I don't know the reason for that behaviour. All I want to do is talking to him. But I don't want to do that while he has his own problems...

I don't understand that. Has anyone an idea why Ana came back for destroying my life? Looking forward to your comments.