Hey my anas ♥

I'm afraid of two things.
First: My grandpa will celebrate his 82. birthday tomorrow. I'm invited to kaffee klatsch :) and dinner. My whole family knows that I've been in recovery for 5 years (it's 4 years ago). It's no option to act like a freakin anorexic. Thanks to Sierra and Asha for the tips. I will eat a piece of cake in the afternoon and maybe some vegetables in the evening. I'm afraid... I will let you know what I've done.

The second thing is my holiday in Sweden. I'll depart on wednesday. But a friend will come with me and she knows ALSO that I've been anorexic for a long time and first of all she knows that I'm going to be one again! I will stay 11 days with a girl who knows about everything... I don't know how to react. And there will be no scales. And no internet! I hope that I'll find some possibility to go on the internet and tell you what's goin on.

Today I've been 49,6kg (109 lbs) and ate something bout 400cal. That's okay. Tomorrow will be the great "grandpa's birthday refeed day". I'll not weigh myself on monday.

I'll miss you like hell when I'm in Sweden. Don't feel like going on holiday since I'm ana again.

I'll miss my real friends. Don't have many GOOD friends (I don't like people) but I'll miss the handful of friends I have. I've a friend who's a very attentive listener. He's older than my dad but that's what makes him so formidable. He's the only person - I met in 25 years - I can talk to about my anorexic story. I've not even been talking to my psychotherapist... Sometimes when I'm talking bout this fucking shit happened in my life (rape, eating disorders, aborts, cutting and much more) I hear myself speaking and don't even believe myself cuz it sounds so absurd. But I've the sense that HE does! That makes me so happy.
I'll miss him. I'll miss you. I'll miss everything.

I'm sad.

But: I ♥ you all!!!!!!!!!

yours
cat